The Hallowed words of His Majesty the Right Honourable the Lord Geldof of Chelsea ‘We don’t want your money, we want your voices’ shall be remembered once more as the DVD of the most holy pop stars in the world, Live 8, doth come into being tomorrow. On deep and meditative reflection, the raised voices of angry millions being somewhat gr8ing on the delicate lobes of the chosen ones, the money has reluctantly been accepted instead.
In a lip-read statement issued on 8th July, Make Poverty History whispered in a soundproof room that ‘today the G8 have chosen not to do all that campaigners insist is necessary to free people trapped in the prison of poverty.’ The World Development Movement went a bit further, muttering into their pillows that the G8 communiqué was ‘…an insult to the hundreds of thousands of campaigners who listened in good faith to the world leaders’ claim that they were willing to seriously address poverty in Africa. More importantly it is a disaster for the world’s poor.’ Fortunately for the blessed pop stars, this muckiness was temporarily fended off by special thick skins designed by some of the top style gurus in the universe and they were able to continue their good works praising the 8 greatest leaders in the galaxy for some time.
EMI was the record company unlucky enough to be burdened by the rights to the CD and DVD sales of the Live 8 event. They had reluctantly provided Live 8 with a financial advance in return for the worldwide CD and DVD rights to its 2nd July concerts in the UK, US, Canada, France, Germany and Italy. Mass self-flagellation broke out amongst EMI bosses and pop stars alike as sales from the first CD, and the spin-off increases in sales of the artists’ own material, were estimated to have been in the millions. A bleeding spokesperson for EMI said that once sales had paid for the advance, they would pay a 'very generous royalty rate' to Live 8 on the rest of the sales. Nothing of the broadcast rights or merchandising profits could be spared, however, as massive quantities of band-aids were bought to try to patch people up at the offices of EMI. Band Aid provided the Band Aid Trust with nearly £7million in royalties.
Other corporate victims dumped on by millions in increased profits included: AOL Time Warner, the Ford Motor company, O2, Nokia, MTV, the Walt Disney Company, Minick, Sun Microsystems, USA Wireless, Akamai, FireBrand and G-Star. Full of rightful coyness and shy modesty, none of these sacred institutions can bring themselves to declare how much they have given to Africans.
The PR Church of the Brick in the Wall of His Majesty and Divine Light the Right Honourable the Lord Geldof of Chelsea is not averse to a bit of filthy lucre. His company, Ten Alps PLC, provided the TV screens in Hyde Park on a ‘not-for-profit’ basis. In March this year, however, Ten Alps heroically suffered profits of £628,000, up from positively redemptive levels of profits of £126,000 last year. No doubt this had something to do with the £40 million contract that Ten Alps subsidiary Teacher TV was forced into by the Department for Education and Skills. Ten Alps are also imprisoned by contracts with the Foreign and Commonwealth Office and EMI and have been made to organise events for Make Poverty History at knifepoint, all on a for-profit basis.
HMV and Amazon have published the desperately upsetting increases in sales of the Greatly Earnest Ones over the Live 8 weekend:
Increases in sales June – July 2005
1. Pink Floyd - Echoes: The Best of Pink Floyd - 1343%
2. The Who - Then and Now - 863%
3. Annie Lennox - Eurythmics Greatest Hits - 500%
4. Dido - Life for Rent - 412%
5. Razorlight - Up All Night - 335%
6. Robbie Williams - Greatest Hits - 320%
7. Joss Stone - Mind, Body and Soul - 309%
8. Sting - The Very Best of Sting & The Police - 300%
9. Travis - Singles - 268%
10. Madonna - Immaculate Collection - 200%
1. Pink Floyd - The Wall - 3600%
2. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here - 2000%
3. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon - 1400%
4. The Who - The Ultimate Collection - 1400%
5. Pink Floyd - Animals - 1000%
6. Velvet Revolver - Contraband - 1000%
7. Robbie Williams - Greatest Hits - 800%
8. Pink Floyd - Echoes: The Best of Pink Floyd - 600%
9. Razorlight - Up All Night - 600%
10. The Killers - Hot Fuss - 200%
11. Kaiser Chiefs - Employment - 200%
12. Dido - Life for Rent - 200%
13. Joss Stone - Mind, Body and Soul - 200%
14. Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters - 200%
15. Madonna - Immaculate Collection - 150%
It is highly likely that Pink Floyd were only selling one or two CDs before Live 8 but the increase still shamed a devastated Dave Gilmour into announcing that ‘I will not profit from the concert….This money should be used to save lives.’ He then beat himself into a bloody mess and has since been unable to let investigators know how much has been given to save lives.
The shame spread…
A spokesman for The Who said: ‘They were impressed with what Dave Gilmour is doing. Should any significant extra royalties come in they'd look at doing the same,’ before knocking himself unconscious with a press photographer’s camera.
A spokesman for Annie Lennox said: ‘She feels donations are appropriate. She'll definitely give something back.’ Eurythmics are also releasing another – The Ultimate – greatest hits album tomorrow. No one knows whether these sacred vessels of music will come out of this unshattered, or if Africa received its donation.
Overcome by what must have been unbearable levels of humility, U2 and Dido could not confirm any charity pledge. But while they could still speak, they agreed that ‘generally artists make anonymous donations.’
Spokesmen for Madonna and REM were past comment.
Only former Libertines star Pete Doherty has escaped the carnage relatively unscathed. He said he was ready to donate cash, but his disastrous performance with Elton John sent The Libertines' Up the Bracket album crashing by 35 per cent.
We cannot let such erect members of the human race continue to suffer making millions of pounds from the self-righteous glorification of misery. Stop the worlds’ poor from… er…being there. Yeah – hide them or something.
Do something to save our holy men and women from choking to death on the money or dying from the shame of all that over-exposure!