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Regaining My Humanity

Camilo Mejia | 20.02.2005 09:27 | Analysis | Anti-militarism | World

"Let us, collectively, free our minds, softenour hearts, comfort the wounded, put down our weapons, and reassert ourselves as human beings by putting an end to war."

Regaining My Humanity
By Camilo Mejia CodePink.org
Thursday 17 February 2005

I was deployed to Iraq in April 2003 and returnedhome for a two-week leave in October. Going home gave me the opportunity to put my thoughts in orderand to listen to what my conscience had to say.

People would ask me about my war experiences and answering them took me back to all the horrors-the firefights,the ambushes, the time I saw a young Iraqi dragged by his shoulders through a pool of his own blood or aninnocent man was decapitated by our machine gunfire. The time I saw a soldier broken down inside because he killed a child, or an old man on his knees,crying with his arms raised to the sky, perhaps asking God why we had taken the lifeless body of his son. I thought of the suffering of a people whose country was in ruins and who were further humiliated by the raids, patrols and curfews of an occupying army. And I realized that none of the reasons we weretold about why we were in Iraq turned out to be true. There were no weapons of mass destruction. There was no link between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda.We weren't helping the Iraqi people and the Iraqi people didn't want us there. We weren't preventing terrorism or making Americans safer. I couldn't find asingle good reason for having been there, for having shot at people and been shot at.

Coming home gave me the clarity to see the line between military duty and moral obligation. Irealized that I was part of a war that I believed was immoral and criminal, a war of aggression, a war ofimperial domination. I realized that acting upon myprinciples became incompatible with my role in themilitary, and I decided that I could not return toIraq.

By putting my weapon down, I chose to reassert myself as a human being. I have not deserted the military or been disloyal to the men and women of the military. I have not been disloyal to a country. Ihave only been loyal to my principles.

When I turned myself in, with all my fears anddoubts, it did it not only for myself. I did it forthe people of Iraq, even for those who fired upon me-they were just on the other side of a battleground where war itself was the only enemy. I did it forthe Iraqi children, who are victims of mines and depleted uranium. I did it for the thousands of unknown civilians killed in war. My time in prisonis a small price compared to the price Iraqis andAmericans have paid with their lives. Mine is a smallprice compared to the price Humanity has paid forwar.

Many have called me a coward, others have calledme a hero. I believe I can be found somewhere in themiddle. To those who have called me a hero, I saythat I don't believe in heroes, but I believe thatordinary people can do extraordinary things. To those who have called me a coward I say that they are wrong, and that without knowing it, theyare also right.

They are wrong when they think thatI left the war for fear of being killed. I admit thatfear was there, but there was also the fear of killing innocent people, the fear of putting myselfin a position where to survive means to kill, therewas the fear of losing my soul in the process ofsaving my body, the fear of losing myself to mydaughter, to the people who love me, to the man I used to be, the man I wanted to be.
I was afraid ofwaking up one morning to realize my humanity hadabandoned me. I say without any pride that I did my job as asoldier. I commanded an infantry squad in combat andwe never failed to accomplish our mission.

But thosewho called me a coward, without knowing it, are alsoright. I was a coward not for leaving the war, but for having been a part of it in the first place.Refusing and resisting this war was my moral duty, a moral duty that called me to take a principled action. I failed to fulfill my moral duty as a human beingand instead I chose to fulfill my duty as a soldier. All because I was afraid. I was terrified, I did not want to stand up to the government and the army, I was afraid of punishment and humiliation. I went towar because at the moment I was a coward, and for that I apologize to my soldiers for not being the typeof leader I should have been.

I also apologize to the Iraqi people. To them I say I am sorry for the curfews, for the raids, forthe killings. May they find it in their hearts toforgive me.

One of the reasons I did not refuse the war from the beginning was that I was afraid of losing my freedom. Today, as I sit behind bars I realize that there are many types of freedom, and that in spite of my confinement I remain free in many important ways.

What good is freedom if we are afraid to follow our conscience?

What good is freedom if we are not able to live with our own actions?

I am confined to a prison but I feel, today more than ever, connected to all humanity. Behind these bars I sit a free man because I listened to a higher power, the voice of myconscience.

While I was confined in total segregation, I came across a poem written by a man who refused and resisted the government of Nazi Germany. For doing so he was executed.

His name is Albrecht Hanshofer,and he wrote this poem as he awaited execution.

Guilt The burden of my guilt before the law weighs light upon my shoulders; to plot and to conspire was my duty to the people; I would have been a criminal had I not. I am guilty, though not the way you think, I should have done my duty sooner, I was wrong, I should have called evil more clearly by its name I hesitated to condemn it for far too long. I now accuse myself within my heart: I have betrayed my conscience far too long I have deceived myself and fellow man. I knew the course of evil from the start My warning was not loud nor clear enough! Today I know what I was guilty of... To those who are still quiet, to those whocontinue to betray their conscience, to those who arenot calling evil more clearly by its name, to thoseof us who are still not doing enough to refuse andresist, I say "come forward." I say "free yourminds." Let us, collectively, free our minds, softenour hearts, comfort the wounded, put down our weapons, and reassert ourselves as human beings by putting an end to war.

Camilo Mejia

Comments

Hide the following 19 comments

I see

20.02.2005 10:50

What should the world have done, should you have sat back while the pig Saddam killed our sons and raped our daughters ?

Free Iraqi


The Way Forward Should Have Been

20.02.2005 11:36

The way to have got rid of Saddam was easy and I for one don't know why the US didn't follow it.

1 Write a number of articles in Left of Centre newspapers like the Guardian etc saying how appalled you are but how in fact it's all the fault of the Americans and Israelis

2 On a Thursday evening stand outside the Iraqi embassy with a couple of like minded individuals with some plackards, after an hour or so go to the pub

3 Where a T shirt with a political message linked to the situation

Easy - he's have been gone in a week

Happy to see Saddam Gone


saddam gone no change

20.02.2005 12:19


.

imf


Perhaps

20.02.2005 16:22

Perhaps "Free Iraqi" knows more than you think.

Perhaps he knows what it is like to live in England but still to live with the fear of Saddam's death squads while staying here because he spoke out on Iraq.

Perhaps because he now sees leaders of the old ruling elite in prison he feels safer

Perhaps the death of Uday and Qusay bought a little lightness to his heart as they avenged in part his brother's death by torture

Perhaps he takes pleasure in the destruction of the palaces paid for by stolen oil for food money

Perhaps because he now sees basic democracy he feels a little better



Perhaps because he won't follow the Leftist, bitter, defeated anti-American line so often repeated here his views are not considered worthy.
Perhaps he doesn't care what you think.

Julian


leftist ? bitter?

20.02.2005 17:37

I'm neither leftist nor bitter. I'm left of Tony Blair but that isn't saying
much is it? Politics is not my whole life so it aint gonna make me bitter either.

Yes maybe Free Iraq feels safer as the death squads don't target him now.

Now new death squads target new people. The deaths of evil gits is not such
a bad thing, I was quite pleased when Reagan passed away, (as was most of
Nicuragua). As for palaces we all have our kings living in their palaces
on the blood of others.

If he didn't care what I (people) think he wouldn't be posting here would he, so that's
not the best line to take.

I dont disagree the end of Saddam was good.... the point is there is no change, Bush
is just as bad as Saddam, could be worse. You have to believe in this democracy lark to think there has been one. But lets
look at any satellite country under US power, (i.e. Central American) and you will
see a plethra of death squad activity etc etc but as the elite do what America
says they are all 'good guys'. The democracy there...just like it will be in Iraq,
(and here) aint worth the paper you mark your cross on.




imf


Crap

20.02.2005 21:05

"Bush is just as bad as Saddam, could be worse"

What crap - do you really believe that garbage. Let me give you a choice you can live in a country run by Bush and the Republican party or saddam and the B'ath which would you choose ?

Easy isn't it ?


u.s. democracy .... my arse.

21.02.2005 00:05

Julian you really are fool if you believe the U.S. is democratic. A system whereone needs a billion dollars to even take part in the circus called an election.A country taken over by Christian freaks whom reject evolution being taught in schools. A country that has used nuclear weapons and bombed twenty odd countries since 1945. What hypocracy.What chance has Iraq got with such fools meddling in their affairs purely for monetary gain? Victory to the resistance! When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty.

cidel fastro


Where ?

21.02.2005 09:57

'Victory to the resistance! '

What resistance, why are people still putting up posts like this ? There is no resistance

AT


yes it is easy

21.02.2005 10:18


.

imf


Very Easy

21.02.2005 11:24


It's easy to choose when you are in a position to make a choice. You are, you're lucky. They were not, now they are. What did you do to make that happen - nothing.

Shame on You


Excellent !

21.02.2005 12:27

Great cartoon strip. Women in Iraq were at the forefront of the voting process and shamed a number of the insurgents who tried to prevent voting. Reports from Basra talk of a woman standing outside the home of a former Saddam loyalist waving her ink stained finger and shouting her defiance

Laura in London


time will tell

21.02.2005 12:57

The pro-war brigade are having one of their periodic moments of triumphalism because of the high turnout in the elections. Less to do with being happy for Iraqis than being able to go 'ner ner ner' at people they dislike in their own country.

And hey, let em crow if it brings em joy. Sadly it never lasts. This is just the latest in a long line of moments of 'victory' starting with the toppling of the statue, Bush's speech on the aircraft carrier, the appointment of the IGC, etc etc. Every time we're told this is it, this is the end of resistance and from now on every Iraqi will smile and welcome the occupation.

But it takes determined self-deception to maintain this view. You have to deny the fact that Iraqis are politically sophisticated and are mostly trying to make the best of a tough situation. You have to ignore the reality that anti-occupation forces won a majority in the election, even with many anti-occupation Iraqis chosing not to vote. You have to maintain at all costs this fantasy world where people say 'ooh yes, please bomb my town to make me free'.

You have, most importantly, to imagine that Iraqis care about the fight between you and anti-war types, that Iraqis' primary motivation is to help you say 'ner ner ner' at your local neighbourhood liberal. Because ever once look at the world from a perspective outside of your own and it might terrify you.

type


Fixed ?

21.02.2005 13:10

"You have to ignore the reality that anti-occupation forces won a majority in the election"

Kind of ruins the theory that the US fixed the election doesn't it ?

Democrat


Cartoon

21.02.2005 15:01

Nice media shame you couldn't put it to better use instead of propogating
something you read in 'Time' or 'Newspeak Magazine'. Or are you looking for
a job?

You'll tell me that all US client states have 'Free' elections next. A careful or rudimentary analysis of such countries generally shows that elections are considered
and reported 'Free' when the US backed candidate has won and only under
such circumstances. This is often contrary to fact or commen sense. Pressing for
'their' candidate the US threaten the populations with economic
embargoes, military intervention, assisinations and civil disruption of all types.

Such behavior is of course 'benign, fatherly concern', not intervention and certainly
couldn't possibly be construed as an attack on 'Freedom'. Iraqi's appearing sensible in the
face of reality voted, yes, sensibly I don't move to Iraq but that does not mean that I should hence assume Bush and his corporate cronies are right, good or anything else. It just means I conclude the Iraqis aren't dumb enough to ask for another pounding.

The pro war camp are just sucking up media on shovels -determined not to
have to question any deeper in case it makes them come up with uncomfortable
realities which they (understandably) don' t want to see.

imf


Arguments

21.02.2005 17:22


says it all

Arguments


Doesn't quite say it all.

21.02.2005 19:40

There should be one more link in the cartoon - between Bush and Saddam.

Sim1


Curioser and curioser

21.02.2005 21:34

And how is that exactly?

Other than maybe running out of patience with trolls and asking for links to defamatory articles.

Sim1


Voting

22.02.2005 10:00

Of course its the solution to ordinary peoples problems ......

And so what if coalition troops have managed to kill more Iraqi civilians than the so called "insurgents" that our one sided media focusses on?

Heh, a Shia cleric of Ahmed Chalabi in charge will be so much better than Saddam.

Now, who should I vote for in our upcoming free elections?

Tony, Charles or Michael?

Lovely.....

ftp


A Fractured Iraq

23.02.2005 16:27

Now that Iraq has been properly sliced and diced into three antagonistic camps - according to the master plan - it will be interesting to see how the Bush junta deals with Turkey and the Kurdish question. Is there a " secret plan" to threaten Turkey into submission when the Kurds declare their independent state? Saddam was very bad, but this unfolding nightmare is even worse.

Roland


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