"My Ass Belongs to Jesus: A Christian's Epiphany."

The day of revelation:

After feasting on a quart of guacamole dip & chips, followed by 5
pounds of barbecued pork ribs, corn and half a case of beer, I
dropped the biggest log of my life, and it was the spitting image of
Jesus Christ. I couldn't believe that anything made in God's image
could smell so bad. After wiping my ass, I was further amazed to
discover that the heavily soiled toilet paper was imprinted with the
image of the Virgin Mary. I haven't flushed my toilet since, as I'm
preserving Jesus & Mary were they feel most at home.

Additionally, I invited other Christian Republicans, in my
neighborhood, to have a look. Not only do they agree that Jesus and
the Virgin Mary are floating in my toilet, but they invited the
entire chapter of The Christian Coalition to hold Sunday prayer
services in my bathroom. Every Sunday, they huddle around my toilet
singing songs to my Jesus log and soiled toilet paper. After prayer
services, they take some of the blessed water home with them to use
in their baptisms.

It's a good time to be a Christian in America...