Richard Branson, Chairman of the Virgin Group, said that he was delighted to have been awarded the contract to run Manchester's fire service. A glossy new publicity video will now be distributed to all homes and businesses in the Greater Manchester area giving details of the new service.

- 999 will be replaced by a new 0845 premium rate number.

- Control staff will be required to provide marriage guidance and sell double glazing in addition to their regular duties.

- Fire engines will remain red, but will carry the new Virgin Fireservice logo.

- Firefighters will be required to display advertising and corporate logos on their uniforms.

- Strikes will be banned and the FBU replaced with a new 'consultative body' composed of Virgin bosses.

Trials of the privatised fire service are now being conducted throughout the north-west of England.

"Good morning, you have reached Virgin Fireservice. Please hold while we redirect your call to New Delhi."
"Uh, my house is burning down with my family inside it."
"Good morning sir, this is Sarah speaking. May I please take your credit card number."
"You don't understand. My house is on fire."
"Have you registered for our premium rate service, sir?"
"Premium rate?"
"Yes, our premium rate fire cover guarantees total customer satisfaction within one hour, or you get your money back. If we don't successfully extinguish the fire within thirty minutes, we will give you Virgin Fire Vouchers worth up to ten per cent of the value of your property."
"What if I can't afford it?"
"Then we'd recommend our standard cover. For only £99 per month we'll supply you with our exclusive Virgin Fire Bucket to put your blaze out with. This offer is available for a limited period only."
"Oh my God, there's smoke coming in from under the door."
"Have you considered our new Virgin cavity wall insulation?"
(Screaming in background)
"Sir, are you still there. Would you like to buy a conservatory? Sir . . ."