Blair's Fire Service Privatisation Plans Leaked
R. Sonist | 08.12.2002 13:56
Today we can exclusively reveal Tony Blair's secret plans to 'modernise' the fire service. The 12,000 page document, entitled 'Fighting Fair Pay', will cut the number of firefighters by 80% and hand over control of the fire service to a consortium of private companies.
Richard Branson, Chairman of the Virgin Group, said that he was delighted to have been awarded the contract to run Manchester's fire service. A glossy new publicity video will now be distributed to all homes and businesses in the Greater Manchester area giving details of the new service.
- 999 will be replaced by a new 0845 premium rate number.
- Control staff will be required to provide marriage guidance and sell double glazing in addition to their regular duties.
- Fire engines will remain red, but will carry the new Virgin Fireservice logo.
- Firefighters will be required to display advertising and corporate logos on their uniforms.
- Strikes will be banned and the FBU replaced with a new 'consultative body' composed of Virgin bosses.
Trials of the privatised fire service are now being conducted throughout the north-west of England.
"Good morning, you have reached Virgin Fireservice. Please hold while we redirect your call to New Delhi."
"Uh, my house is burning down with my family inside it."
"Good morning sir, this is Sarah speaking. May I please take your credit card number."
"You don't understand. My house is on fire."
"Have you registered for our premium rate service, sir?"
"Premium rate?"
"Yes, our premium rate fire cover guarantees total customer satisfaction within one hour, or you get your money back. If we don't successfully extinguish the fire within thirty minutes, we will give you Virgin Fire Vouchers worth up to ten per cent of the value of your property."
"What if I can't afford it?"
"Then we'd recommend our standard cover. For only £99 per month we'll supply you with our exclusive Virgin Fire Bucket to put your blaze out with. This offer is available for a limited period only."
"Oh my God, there's smoke coming in from under the door."
"Have you considered our new Virgin cavity wall insulation?"
(Screaming in background)
"Sir, are you still there. Would you like to buy a conservatory? Sir . . ."
- 999 will be replaced by a new 0845 premium rate number.
- Control staff will be required to provide marriage guidance and sell double glazing in addition to their regular duties.
- Fire engines will remain red, but will carry the new Virgin Fireservice logo.
- Firefighters will be required to display advertising and corporate logos on their uniforms.
- Strikes will be banned and the FBU replaced with a new 'consultative body' composed of Virgin bosses.
Trials of the privatised fire service are now being conducted throughout the north-west of England.
"Good morning, you have reached Virgin Fireservice. Please hold while we redirect your call to New Delhi."
"Uh, my house is burning down with my family inside it."
"Good morning sir, this is Sarah speaking. May I please take your credit card number."
"You don't understand. My house is on fire."
"Have you registered for our premium rate service, sir?"
"Premium rate?"
"Yes, our premium rate fire cover guarantees total customer satisfaction within one hour, or you get your money back. If we don't successfully extinguish the fire within thirty minutes, we will give you Virgin Fire Vouchers worth up to ten per cent of the value of your property."
"What if I can't afford it?"
"Then we'd recommend our standard cover. For only £99 per month we'll supply you with our exclusive Virgin Fire Bucket to put your blaze out with. This offer is available for a limited period only."
"Oh my God, there's smoke coming in from under the door."
"Have you considered our new Virgin cavity wall insulation?"
(Screaming in background)
"Sir, are you still there. Would you like to buy a conservatory? Sir . . ."
R. Sonist
Comments
Hide the following 4 comments
nice one
08.12.2002 14:09
ff supporter
NOOOOoooooooooo.......
08.12.2002 15:23
Sam
"The Person You Are Calling Knows You Are Dyi
09.12.2002 20:28
If you need the fire brigade, please press 1
If you need the police, please press 2
If you need an ambulance, please press 3
If you're having a heart attack you can choose to press 1 or 3. If you press 1 and it's after 6pm then you should be prepared to wait until a full fire crew have arrived at their nearest station.
If you press 1 and the fire is major and it's after 6pm, please ensure that garden hoses are available for us to use as only one fire appliance will be made available to you. If you press 1 and someone is trapped in the fire and it's after 6pm, please ensure towels are soaked in water and a member of the public is available to go into the fire to rescue any firefighter who gets into trouble. This is because only one breathing apparatus crew will be made available to you.
If you press 3 and you or someone else is having a heart attack, do not be surprised if the ambulance you expect looks a bit like a fire appliance. You can still be resuscitated but you will be required to hold tight on top of the appliance en route to hospital. (Seats inside are reserved for the crew only).
If you have pressed 1, 2 and 3, please ensure all insurance policies are in order. On doing so you will hear the message: "Please hold the line we are trying to connect you, the person you are calling knows you are dying."
Stu
e-mail:
stu@surfanytime.co.uk
Homepage:
http://users.surfanytime.co.uk/stuey
j
10.12.2002 03:49
k