Gore supporters are reported to be increasingly worried about the major inroads George Bush Junior is making in a key swing constituency - or is that a stagger constituency. According to a recent poll, more than 69% of America's convicted drunk drivers now favor Bush. These important voters may hold the balance of power, if not the power of balance, in a number of key states.

On their side of the river, Democrats are trying to prop up their vote by wheeling out the drunk-drivers' hero of yesteryear, Ted Kennedy. However, signs are that the drunk-drivers are abandoning their traditional Democrat leanings, and are lurching closer to Bush - so close they can smell his breath.

"It's the vision thing," said one voter. "I drive better when I'm drunk, 'cuz I can see everything twice."

"American motorists have every right to knock back a few beers before going for a spin in Daddy's sports car," slurred a Republican spokesman, "it's the American dream an' we're proud of it. Gore and Nader stand for a nanny state with politically-correct red tape to stop the American people having fun - but our Dubya knows how to have a laugh. He's got the common touch that today's voters are looking for to restore, uh, dignity and integrity to the Oval Office."