Yeah But Did Jesus Masturbate?

By Lloyd Hart

So, a Dr. King agrees to look over an ancient piece of papyrus of a certain tested date and qualifies what seems to be a reference to a wife that Jesus might have had. All in all a reasonable assumption. That Jesus had a wife, yes? So, then in the media it becomes the certified organic "getting some" Jesus versus the genetically modified Jesus the roman catholic church has been selling for 1700 years. A Jesus that never got laid.

A Jesus that never got laid? That's like saying that the cardinals made Ratzinger pope, a former member of Hitler's nazi youth, because he was closer to god than anyone else they could think of at the time? No, they made Ratzinger pope to avoid a subpoena calling him to testify as he was the single most important criminal conspirator next to pope John Paul ll in the cover up of the priest on child rape cases in which Ratzinger as pope John Paul ll's right hand man, ordered the quiet redistribution of those priests away from the scene of their crimes and to shush the parishioners and victims alike. Most importantly though, because the pope has diplomatic immunity which Ratzinger was granted by president Bush against the subpoena, issued before Ratzinger became pope, from a US court because of a leaked document with Ratzinger's signature on it detailing the criminal conspiracy illustrated above.

The reality is, Jesus most likely did get laid and did have children and was most likely murdered by the Romans who later co-opted the organized religion founded on the name of Jesus and who then kept blaming the Jews for the death of Jesus for 1700 years to absolve themselves, the romans, of his death so that today most all ignorant Catholics believe that the Jews did kill Jesus.

The idea that these ridiculous men in the roman catholic church still maintain this outrageous myth of the celibate Jesus is absolutely sickening to me considering one of these so-called celibate priests shoved his penis in my mouth and up my rectum. So if Ratzinger and the cardinals are easily willing to tell lies to avoid jail time in an international criminal child rape conspiracy just imagine what lies they are willing to tell about Jesus to keep the public's attention but most importantly the public's money flowing toward them and the centuries long crime scene that is the Christian religion. No religion on earth has murdered more people than Christianity or have even come close. This is what happens when megalomaniacs take over cults of personalities that form when earlier megalomaniacs kill their critics. 1700 years of complete madness and an orgy of violence in the name of the guy who was blaming the romans of doing exactly the same kind of things.

So if Jesus put his penis in that really nice female sweet spot, the vagina, then wouldn't that change the church's policy of women as nothing but birthing chattel? A change which maybe might have saved million of women's lives from being burned at the stake by the church? And maybe Jesus as fertility guru and vagina worshiper would be a better image to promote to acquire converts? War,,,,? No thank you, I'm too busy worshiping this vagina and isn't their a possibility that I could get my penis shot off in war? I don't think women would have any objection to having their vaginas worshiped as opposed to being avoided and never mentioned. Could be that the entire planet would convert to that kind of church.

I think 1700 years of 'Jesus never got laid' is enough and now is the time for the Jesus that got so much pussy that he needed to make everyone members of his church to help raise the children he fathered. Oh no, that's, that's the mormon church. Sorry. No, the Jesus that got so much pussy that he inspired everyone to love one another and live in peace and harmony and to build an economy that supports that philosophy.

A very smart man who the US government arrested, who's books they burned and who they kept in jail till the day he died once said "Gratification of the genitals is the best cure for mental illness!" That man was Wilhelm Reich and thanks to all the sexual therapists I have had, I feel I have recovered somewhat from having a priest shoving his penis in my mouth and up my rectum when I was a child. It's too bad we can't say this about the American and European ruling elite's. Maybe their mental illness would have been cured and there would be so many more Iraqis, Afghans, Libyans, Syrians, Jews and Native Americans etc. etc., still alive if these mentally ill American and European ruling elite's found some sweet spot to put their penis every day instead of going to war.

I am sure Jesus would have promoted at a minimum masturbation if he any idea that a bunch of sexually frustrated morons were going to build an a psychotically violent anti vagina little boy raping empire in his name and I am sure he probably would have preached getting laid regardless of marriage if it meant avoiding a psychotically violent anti vagina little boy raping empire. So I think Jesus probably did masturbate and probably did have multiple sexual partners cause holy crap, everyone that claims any connection to some supernatural higher power always gets lots of nookie.

So today I am forming the 'Jesus Got Tons of Pussy Church' in which we will promote:

Get Nookie Not War!

Please join by getting laid.