Skip to content or view screen version

Heard the one about Jeremy Clarkson?

The Real Context | 04.12.2011 17:01 | Occupy Everywhere | Public sector cuts | Repression | Workers' Movements

Heard the one about Jeremy Clarkson?

General Pinochet
General Pinochet

Plus Bernard Manning
Plus Bernard Manning

in a DNA-mixing teleportation machine, produces...
in a DNA-mixing teleportation machine, produces...

Don't complain Jez
Don't complain Jez

We're "only" joking
We're "only" joking


General Pinochet's visiting Britain to spend time with his old friend Margaret Thatcher in Dulwich, but he hears some lefties might have secured an extradition warrant for him, so his minders hire a car and they make a weekend of it, hiding-out in a cheap hotel in Manchester, in the hopes that things might quiet down a bit. After a few days of test-cards, the shopping channel, and Pinochet watching his bodyguards polish his boots for him (while he's wearing them), Pinochet gets bored and decides to check out the Embassy Club round the corner on the Rochdale Road. Pinochet walks in, orders some pork scratchings and a Bloody Mary, and strikes up a conversation with the Embassy's owner, the comedian Bernard Manning, who pops in once in a while to see if the day manager's hired any decent crumpet. After a couple of drinks they're getting on famously, reminiscing about the good old days when holidays in Greece and Spain really were fun - in the late 1960s, and when the BBC didn't give a shit about broadcasting racist jokes and showing xenophobic bollocks like The Black and White Minstrel Show, when Pinochet spies a weird-looking slot machine over in the corner. The General fancies a punt, but Manning tells Pinochet the delivery driver was a bit soft and dropped-off the wrong consignment. It's not a fruit machine but some sort of teleportation device left over from some arty Sci-Fi movie, called "The Fly" or something. Anyway, they're so spannered they reckon it's got to be good for a laugh. They squeeze into the machine's teleportation compartment, sit down and tell the bar-staff to close the doors behind and then press the red button. There's a huge bang, a weird buzzing noise, a fucking great bolt of lightning ripples up and down the sides of of the machine, and then "Bing!" - the same sound you get when your pot noodle's microwaved, the door flies open, and out steps...

Put it this way, I don't think even General Pinochet advocated murdering striking public sector workers IN FRONT OF THEIR FAMILIES. Keep up the pressure -

 https://stakeholders.ofcom.org.uk/tell-us/specific-programme-epg
 https://www.bbc.co.uk/complaints/forms/#anchor

The Real Context

Comments

Display the following 26 comments

  1. Hands up who thinks Jeremy Clarkson's funny — Context
  2. VG — Tony
  3. Sense of humour bypass — dave
  4. Free sketch — Drew
  5. Jeremy Clarkson - a God amongst insects — Text
  6. A missed comment — Dave
  7. Lars von Trier, another gutless scumbag — Lt Aldo Raine
  8. Mark Thomas — Bill
  9. Daily Mail insists Clarkson DID NOT APOLOGISE — Dan
  10. Daily Mail admits Clarkson's an "utter coward" — Dan
  11. We have all been lied to by the BBC — Benchmark
  12. so what are you all going to do about it? — taylor
  13. Mirror confirms Clarkson did NOT apologise — Mark
  14. So what am I going to do about it? — Andy Wilman
  15. @Andy Wilman — taylor
  16. Context? — Anarchoneilist
  17. @taylor — Andy
  18. I must say I agree with him about the suicides though — anon
  19. Lars von Trier isn't a neo-Nazi — anon
  20. 31,000 complain about Jeremy Clarkson — Dinah
  21. Suicides — Blue
  22. Ofcom to investigate Clarkson... — Dean
  23. New Clarkson racism — Laces
  24. Jeremy Clarkson posing with EDL leader Stephen Lennon — Phil
  25. Clarkson + EDL — Phil
  26. Morality of the BBC — Updated