This afternoon Pope Benedict XVI addressed the United Nations minutes from ground zero and called for religious freedom. Pope Benedict, wearing his brand new white Prada yarmulkah told the ambassadors of Earth’s 200 countries, “I call upon the people of the world to provide the people of Earth with the religious freedom to launch Crusades, Inquisitions, Pogroms, Holocausts, Jihads and Matzoh Ball Fights. The only way to reach God and eternal paradise is through me. I Am the gatekeeper, not Bill Gates and not Robert Gates. I cannot begin to tell you the problems which Windows Vista has caused The Holy See.”

Pope Benedict continued: “I Am the champion of human rights. This includes the right to martyr yourself for God. As Jesus Christ proclaimed, when he returns in the upcoming Apocalypse, he will command all of his Christian Angels to throw all 4 billion non Christians into the fire because they are all the demon children of the Devil. (Matt. 13:36-43). We must preserve our right to act as human beings and this includes the justifiable right to act out our basic killer instinct as expressed in the Holy Bible. After the Messiah arrives, two thirds of you will be cast into Hell and this will allow for all Christian ambassadors to have corner window office suites. While you await the Messiah, you will all be able to watch the building of the Freedom Tower on ground zero.”

In his song Philadelphia Freedom, Sir Elton John sings, “I used to be a rolling stone, You know if the cause was right, I’d leave to find the answer on the road. I like living easy without family ties, till the whippoorwill of freedom zapped me right between the eyes. Philadelphia freedom, I love you, yes I do.” A whippoorwill is a dark, insect eating, nocturnal nightjar. A nightjar is any of a family of goatsuckers. A goatsucker is any of an order of large mouthed, usually nocturnal birds that feed on insects or fruit.”

“The Catholic people of Pennsylvania are obsessing over the Reverend Jeremiah Wright while John Hagee, the spiritual advisor chosen, sought out and embraced by the Republican presumptive nominee, called the Catholic Church ‘The Great Whore of Babylon’. During the 400 year Inquisitions we didn’t elect people like John McCain – we stretched them out on the rack. The United States is obsessing over Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig and Bill Clinton, but when it comes to outright buggery who can hold a candle in the wind to the Catholic Church? It sickens me that we had to pay out two billion dollars to the victims. I am ashamed that this caused me to be unable to balance the budget for the first quarter of 2005. With gas at $4, the Popemobile is costing me an arm and a leg.”

Pope Benedict continued, “I have a keen interest in the 911 truth movement. At my age any movement is good. My naturopath has me on psyllium seeds and a high fibre diet. How many wives does Mitt Romney need to screw in a lightbulb? Barack Obama’s garbage collector was arrested for jaywalking. Jesus said, ‘You strain at gnats yet you swallow camels whole.’ People cannot see outside of their own little circle and they don’t want to. Sacrifice feels bad. Humans are ruled by their emotions. We do what feels good now and we avoid doing and thinking what feels bad right now. Humans tend to maintain the status quo no matter what. We’ll change our ways only when we have no other choice – when it’s too late.”

“Edmund Burke said, ‘Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.’ God gave the Muslims oil and the Jews and the Christians gas. In Regensburg I said, ‘Show me what Mohammed brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.’ Take the world trade center, please. Today the brains behind Al Qaeda, Ayman ‘The I Man’ al Zawahiri urged Muslims to make Iraq a fortress of Islam.”

Pope Benedict concluded, “Lets stop beating around the bush now. The Creator created the jungle we all live in and the law of the jungle is ‘Kill or be killed.’ In case 911 wasn’t a wake up call, the Muslims are coming to get you. Just look in the Koran. ‘Make War upon the Christians, Jews and Infidels and I will reward you in eternal paradise with crystal clear streams, 72 virgins, wine with no side effects, 180,000 servants each, and first row Knicks tickets.’ (Koran Sura 9:5, 29-30, Sura 56, Hadith). We strain at Knicks and yet we swallow camels whole. They outraptured the rapture. They just used the sovereign wealth funds to buy Citigroup, through their lobbyist Bill Clinton, the Great Lakes and the North Korean nuclear arsenal. Remember what Jesus Christ said, ‘I have not come to bring you peace but the sword.’ Now get out there and conquer the world for Christ! Onward Christian Soldiers! We’re talking burkas and genital mutilation here! The Taliban in Philadelphia! Thank you for coming and may God bless one third of you.”