As every criminal investigator knows, the way to get a confession is through threats and bribes. As every politician knows, the way to get filthy rich is by towing the line of your major contributors.

An Archduke is a rank below King but above Duke. For Americans who forget their British roots, a Duchess is the feminine of Duke and an Archduchess is the feminine of Archduke. On June 28, 1914 Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie were visiting the wounded at Walter Reed in Sarajevo, Austria. At 11 A.M. Gavrilo Princip shot Sophie who died instantly. Then Gavrilo Princip shot Franz in the jugular vein and he died minutes later. Doctor Joshua Perper ruled the deaths accidental.

These assassinations have gone down in history as “The shot heard round the world” because they were the trigger for World War 1. Leonard Franklin Slye was a singer and American cowboy actor who changed his name to Roy Rogers. Roy Rogers’ third wife was Dale Evans. Roy Rogers rode a golden palomino named Trigger. Dale Evans’ horse was named Buttermilk. A Triggerette is a trusted assistant on the rodeo circuit. Fanny Sunesson was the caddy and Trigerette of 3 time Masters Champion Nick Faldo. Posh Spice aka Victoria Beckham is the wife of football soccer star David Beckham, the captain of the English National Football team.

The MLS is the Major League Soccer League of the United States. The MLS has teams in American hotbeds of soccer such as Salt Lake City Utah, Columbus Ohio, Foxborough Massachusetts and Carson California, the home of the Carson Chivas and the Los Angeles Galaxy. The Los Angeles Galaxy recently signed David Beckham to become the Messiah of American Soccer on a five year contract worth $50 million dollars per year including endorsements. Unfortunately Spanish football star Jesus Garay Vecino was unavailable.

George Bush is the former owner of the Texas Rangers. George Bush said, “I never dreamed about being President. When I was growing up I wanted to be Willie Mays.” Unfortunately his father married Barbara Bush and not Diana Ross of the Supremes. The Supreme Leader of Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is waiting for the two Muslim Messiahs Jesus Christ and the Mahdi to conquer the world for Islam. In order to bring on the advent of the two Muslim Messiahs Ayatollah Ali Khamenei must trigger the Apocalypse. In order for George Bush to bring on the advent of the Messiah Jesus Christ to conquer the world for Christianity, George Bush must trigger the Apocalypse, nuclear world war 3. In other words both Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and George Bush are suicide bombers and you and I are caught in the crossfire.

God helps those who help themselves. This is why Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is building nuclear bombs in Iran. His faith in the might of Allah is not absolute. He is not counting on Allah parting the Persian Gulf. Likewise the faith of George Bush in God the Father aka God of Mount Sinai aka Allah in Arabic is not absolute. He is like Jesus in the Garden of Gesthemane pleading “Father please take this cup of Chivas Regal from my hand.” George Bush is wondering how God the Father aka Allah could leave him floundering in Iraq for over four years with the greatest military force in history brought to their knees by 19 guys with exacto knives.

The time has come to bring Rollie Fingers in from the bullpen to save the game for Manchester United. Nick Faldo and Posh Spice are in Tehran today at the behest of Tony Blair arranging the release of the 15 British sailors recently captured by Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Richard Armitage recently disclosed to Robert Novak that Nick Faldo and Victoria Beckham are covert operatives of MI6. Prior to leaving, Posh Spice told Harvey Levin of tmz dot com, “The fate of life on earth depends upon the safe return of Prince Harry and the other 14 British sailors. If they are killed, George Bush and Tony Blair intend to turn Iran into a radioactive sand trap. If I have to I intend to sing, dance and perform for every Imam in the Muslim World. Nick Faldo is bringing his handheld golf gps caddie to prove to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei that Prince Harry was in Iraqi waters when he was captured and that the Iranian Navy had their yardages wrong. Unfortunately much depends upon the health of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. If his cancer is at a late stage he may want to be here for the Apocalypse and he may decide to sink the American Aircraft carriers with his Russian Sizzler missiles. In that case I will sing “Goodbye” from the Spice Girls’ “Forever” album.”