Thanks a lot. Tonight I am high and have the Travel Lodge and disjunction of being the first President in the history of the United States to start the state of the Onion Address with these words: Excuse me madam, I'm speaking.
We have some new blood on the floor in the House and Senate and I give a two fingered V for victory to the Democratic majority.
The methods of congress may have changed but not the people we're fucking. Each of us is guided by our own restraining orders, but we're all in the same boat, in the same creek, wondering where all this shit is coming from, and more importantly where it's going to.
We're not the first government to come into an office with a bad smell in the air and disagree over which shit is good and which shit is bad. But if we all squat down together and concentrate real hard we can create big, solid things for the Amerkan people. Our people do not care which side of the fence we shit on as long as we're prepared to cross that fence and shovel shit with the rest of them when we have to.
A future of false hope and disenfranchisement begins with a preposterous economy. Our economy is now the most preposterous it's ever been. We're now in the 41st armoured division month of uninterrupted job growth with 7.2 million new shit shovellers having us to thank for each stinking day. The bowels of this economy are on the move and our job is to keep it moving, not with government speak but with business speak.
First we need to balance the federal deficit, without raising taxes, but by holding it in, in Washington DC. In the coming weeks I will release a package, that will make a big splash by itself but on it's way down will remove all other obstacles and allow our economy to flow more freely down the drain than it ever has before.
5 years ago we passed the No Childs Behind Left Untouched Act, a faith based initiative whereby Catholic priests and lay preachers of all denounciations were able to have easier access to "get down and dirty with the kids". Now the time has come to build on this by making these people the scapegoats they were always intended to be. Families with children in failing schools should be able to say "I want my kids somewhere else" and we should be able to say " It was their fault". We must find those children who struggle and ensure they receive the special touch they need.
A future of unfulfilled dreams requires that our poorest and most needy citizens has healthcare just out of their reach. Many people have complained that the bar was set too high and that as a result we were failing our duty of care as a society. I now propose some changes to lower this bar and if I may now quote some numbers (quotes numbers), (applause). You can see that by lowering the bar just a little further allows us to laugh all the harder when the cripple jumping for it misses it and falls out of their broken wheelchair.
Extending disenfranchisement and exploitation outwith our own borders requires that we ensure the rules we make for us do not apply to exploited workers in 3rd world labour markets. Socialist South American presidents and increased cross-border communications have caused some to realise and question the double standards we live by. To this end I an doubling the size of the border control to catch more drug smugglers and terrorists so we can keep the real problems out of the headlines and return to the good old days of back slapping "gee ain't we great".
A future of false hope and disenfranchisement requires we find new sources of methane. To this end I will be pushing Amerka further into the shit that it has ever been.
A future of false hope and disenfranchisement requires a legal system that is both partially fair and fairly impartial. It's been 5 years since Al Kee-Dough and his buddies shit on us. We have been running around dropping shit wherever they may or may not be ever since.
The greatest strength any country has is it's people. The actions of a countries individuals reflect on the country itself and to see the spirit of Amerka we need look no further than the World Wide Web. Brian Willson and other members of a Veterans Peace Action Team were blocking the train tracks at the Concord, California Naval Weapons Station . Due to a government policy decision, the train refused to stop, and the veterans were injured when the train did not slow down as they expected. Willson was hit, run over, and nearly died. Ultimately, he survived but lost both legs below the knee while suffering a severe skull fracture with loss of his right frontal lobe, among other injuries. Subsequently, he discovered that he had been identified for more than a year as an FBI domestic "terrorist" suspect under President Reagan 's anti-terrorist task force provisions and that the train crew that day had been ordered to not stop the train to prevent any Hijacking attempts. Willson filed a law suit contending that the Navy and individual supervisors were given ample warning of their plan to nonviolently remain on the tracks, and that the crew had plenty of time to stop--which the subsequent official Navy report confirmed. Suprisingly, the train crew filed a law suit against Mr Willson, requesting punitive damages for the "humiliation, mental anguish, and physical stress" they suffered as a result of the incident.
In such entrepreneurship and compassion, ladies and gentlemen, we see the spirit and character of America -- and these qualities are not in short supply. This is a decent and honorable country -- and we will kick the living bejesus out of anyone who says otherwise.