According to the testimonies of the wounded security guards Mandy had come into the jobcentre looking for aggro. After being asked to leave politely she had launched a frenzied attack. With a mighty flying ninja death-kick she knocked the short fat guard (Nobby) unconscious. She then let loose a flurry of well-aimed blows in all directions, crushing groins and cracking skulls. However, her most merciless violence was aimed at the frail guard known as Werewolf. With relentless savagery Mandy kicked and punched the helpless man. Werewolf told the court, "she was like a woman possessed. I thought I was a goner your honour."

Fortunately Mandy's barrister had uncovered cctv footage of the entire episode. And to the horror of the jury an entirely different version of events was revealed.

Mandy was seen skipping into the jobcentre with a bunch of wild flowers in one hand. The Monkey Boy was not far behind. Suddenly the three security guards attacked the defenceless Mandy. While Nobby held Monkey Boy back, Werewolf and Nondescript pulled out pick-axe handles and rained blows down on the helpless revolutionary, who was left gurgling on the floor.

Okay, so maybe I've exaggerated a little, but the judge halted preceedings and instructed the jury to find Miss Osmosis not guilty.

Werewolf wept.

For long hours I had spoken with Monkey Boy, who was dreading having to take the witness stand. What a great result this was. Mandy was free and Monkey Boy didn't have to do anything.

The wig-wearing man-mountain that was Mandy's barrister was smiling at his client. "Happy?" he beamed.

"Am I fuck! I won't be happy till we break off the shackles of Capitalism."

There really is no pleasing some people.

Off they went into the bright remains of the afternoon, Mandy and the Monkey Boy, free to plan more revolution.