Today the void can exclusively reveal the shocking contents of the Al Jazeera memo, which turns out to be a typed transcript of a conversation between Tony Blair and George Bush picked up by GCHQ. Delivered to our offices in a plain brown envelope read on to discover the shocking truth...

GCHQ Internal File
Eyes Only
07:11;05 3.23.33 GMT
Numbers withheld for Security Reasons

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GB: Hey Cowboy
TB: Well hi Big Guy, gosh I've been trying to get hold of you, how have you been?
GB: Well, y'know, at war on two fronts, then it's damn calving season down at the ranch, hell I've been busy
TB: Yes, of course, me too George, but I had been really hoping to discuss..
GB: OK, now I'm gonna cut right to the chase here. I need you guys to support us with something, something that might be a little controversial
TB: Well I'm sure we can help George, we always have before
GB: See thing is Tony, there's these guys, algee.. al .. aljer...
TB: Algeria?
GB: Yeah, that's them, some kind of TV station ain't they
TB: Oh you mean Al Jazeera
GB: You got 'em, damn stupid name, I mean what the hell's it supposed to mean
TB: Well I think it means..
GB: I don't give a rats ass what it means cowboy, they've been causing a hell of a lot of problems
TB: Well, they can be a bit critical I guess, but hey, that's the beauty of a free press
GB: I'd damn well say critical, which is why we've made plans to launch immediate airstrikes against them
TB: For Christs sake George, you couldn't, I mean you musn't
GB: Why the hell not, my daddy says that they're the mouthpiece of Al Queda, and you ain't calling my daddy a liar are you Tony
TB: Well no, but surely, I mean, come on Big Guy
GB: Well it's setttled then, we launch tomorrow, we need your guys down at MI6 to find out where their base is
TB: Well they're in Qatar
GB: What the hell's that? some kind of fanatical underground training camp?
TB: No George, it's a country and they're our allies
GB: Well I never damn well heard of them
TB: Listen George they are independant journalists, a legitimate organisation in a friendly country, the outrage it would cause, we'd never recover
GB: Well we're both outta here soon anyway
TB: Well... I'm not so sure about that yet actually
GB: Me neither, but we gotta keep up the pretence eh cowboy
TB: Elections eh, who needs 'em
GB: Not us cowboy, not us
(sound of laughter)
TB: But really George, this is too much, the British people they just won't stand for it
GB: Well hell Tony they're your people, can't you change their minds
TB: Well I do have to share them with the Queen actually, and it's this freedom of the press thing George, people really value that
(sound of more laughter)
TB: God, did I really just say that, but you know what I mean Big Man, we have to keep up the pretence
GB: You ain't going soft on me here Cowboy are ya?
TB: No, no of course not, it's just not practical that's all
GB: Listen Cowboy, since you talked me out of Iran and Syria and North Korea
TB: and Cuba
GB: and Cuba, and Libya, Venezuela
TB: and then Brazil of course, and China
GB: and France
TB: God, who could forget France, that was a tough one
GB: Well, it's just the guys here, they seem to think I'm some kind of pussy, I'm isolated Cowboy, Daddy's always mad at me, Jeb just laughs whenever I walk in the room, Rummy won't speak to me, hell even Dick won't return my calls. The only one who seems to have any time for me is Condaleeza these days, and she's well, you know..
TB: What? I thought she always seemed very nice
GB: Sure, whatever Tony, look I gotta do something here Cowboy, I gotta take control
TB: You could try having an affair
GB: What the hell
TB: Worked for Clinton
GB: Jeez, well I'd never even thought of that, hell that could even be fun
TB: Jesus George, I just assumed you were at it all the time, like all the rest of us
GB: I'm a goddamn praticing Christian Tony and I love my wife, hell we even have seperate beds at the Whitehouse
TB: Christ, sorry Big Guy, I never imagined
GB: But a man does have needs Tony, a man does have needs
GB: You really think I could pull it off
TB: Sure Big Guy, and I'm sure it would rescue your reputation with the guys
GB: You know Cowboy, I think you might just be right
TB: But you've really got to drop this Al Jazeera thing, you can't just bomb TV stations because they criticise your policies
GB: Well if you'd bombed the BBC like I asked you, woulda saved us both a hell of a lot of trouble
TB: Yes, but I mean George, I could hardly bomb a British institition just to pursue an aggresive military strategy that most of the country doesn't agree with, I mean really
GB: Hell Cowboy, you sure still gotta a lot to learn about this business
TB: Look, I can't support you on this, Britain can't support you on this, I'm asking you please, from one special friend to another, please don't do this Big Guy
GB: Aw hell, I guess you are a special friend
TB: and I always will be Big Guy, whatever you need
GB: Well I guess maybe we could hold off
TB: Thank God
GB: Just for now, mind, and there's someting I need from you as well Cowboy
TB: Of course, anything, I mean anything
GB: Something to help with your plan
TB: Whatever it takes Big Guy, just ask away
GB: Cherie, Tony I want Cherie
GB: Goodnight Cowboy