Dream About You

I dreamt about you last night, the first time since we left each other.

I had been waiting for this dream for many days.

Although it was only a dream, I already felt very satisfied.

I never expected to see you again, even in this way.

The sun had set in the west, the streetlight had just brightened, in the spacious and noiseless street, you were truly close to me, with a smile on your face.

You looked the same as before----tall and poised, handsome appearance, graceful and with a shy smile. You stood in front of me in silence.

I wanted to push into your bosom, tell you of my yearning; I wanted to gently touch your pallid face and express my love. But I dared not, I worried that my actions would repel you. And your apathy and haughtiness as always also let me feel timid and bitterly disappointed. I was afraid that my weak self-respect and self-confidence could not bear the chill of your rejection.

Everything looked like it was before. In a very short time, I regained my restraint and became aloof like I always was. We said hello and talked to each other politely, then we separated and continued on our way.

I could not help turning my head, as I watched your lonely back becoming smaller and smaller, and I felt full of grief. Finally, I pulled up to you and embraced you, what my hand touched was your vivid body----your back, your waist. This was the first time I could be so truly close to you, and I could not help crying, tears covered my face. You turned round and held me tightly. I was too excited by the great happiness that had bloomed inside me to say anything.

The alarm clock woke me from my dream. My pillow was completely wet thorough.

For a long time, you had seemed to me like the rainbow on the edge of the sky----distant, resplendent and misty, I could only appreciate your beauty fervently and afar. Your face always hovered in my brain, I had been waiting for you to enter my dreams for so long. But in my dream, we didn’t speak a word, I just poured out the tears that I had been storing for ages.

In my dream, we embraced soulfully. I really felt your breath and existence next to me. What will I still hope? Merely, I had not enough time to tell you: I love you, but I never expect to be able to own you. And this fond and beautiful moment is sealed up for keeping in my loving memory.

Mai yanping
(12/10/03)


Unhurried And Commonplace

I always gave myself one and one high goals,
Then under the surprised sights of people,
I tried my best and felt confident to make my dream come true.

So, from the sincere praise of old people,
I gained satisfaction,
Compared with my peers,
I felt successful,
I thought this kind of life was what I needed.

Until in a lonely night,
I lay on the bed tiredly,
I reviewed the days I had passed,
I sadly found out,
Although I reached the top of the mountain,
I ignored the landscapes on the road,
Just left my hurry-up figure and a line of disorderly trace.

Now, when I leisurely sit at a graceful café,
Appreciating peacefully the walking people and driving cars outside of the window,
When I slowly walk on the street in Manchester,
Tasting carefully the soft wind that blows my face,
When I happily do a simple and normal job,
Feeling truly the interest,

At these moments,
I always think,
This kind of unhurried and commonplace,
Is it a beautiful life?

Mai yanping
31/04/04

My Mother

When my mother was a girl, she worked as a teacher in a middle school. Because of her optimism, beauty and grace, lots of boys ran after her, but she only favoured my father---- he was an honest, handsome and talented young man. My father had just graduated from the most famous university in China, full of youthful spirit and was set to have having a nice future. My naive mother thought my father could entrust all her life and bring her happiness. But she never expected, when she married my father, it meant that she also married a life of hardship.

Honesty and diffidence became the biggest barrier for my father entering the political circles. So he decided to try his luck in the business field. But he failed again because of his kindness and lacking of experience. He and his partner asked for a loan to set up a chemical factory. But his partner took all of the money and ran away. When the renter took all of the valuable things away from our house, I caught sight of my father’s despair.

My mother, she always tried her best to be a good wife. She supported my father in everything he wanted to do without complaint and regret. In these most difficult days of my father, it was my mother’s optimism, softness and love which held up all of his confidence. From then on, my father became an outstanding teacher and was content with living a poor and stable life.

But the misfortune seemed to always follow my family. The breeding factory my two uncles’ owned became bankrupt by a natural disaster. Their children faced stopping education at school. At that time, my younger sister and I were studying at university, the expensive tuition left my parents penniless. When my mother saw my father’s helpless sight, she took out the last of my family’s savings and firmly put them on my father’s hand, then said, “we can save the money again, but we cannot give the children their youth twice. They should receive an education and have a nice future.” Until now, when my four cousins who have grown up and have honorable work talked about it, they always felt grateful and wept.

Yesterday, I received my father’s call and listened attentively to his heartfelt wishes: “I could not achieve my life ambition, I not only implicated you and your sister, but also your mother. After she married me, I could not let her live a happy and comfortable day. If you improve your standard of living in the future, please take my place to look after her and repay the love debt that I owed all her life….”

At that moment, I wanted to tell him:“For a long time, it was hard for me to understand my mother’s idea and action----she paid for you without selfishness. Until many years later, I loved a man and decided to pay everything for him. Finally I understood my mother.” But I did not speak out all along. Because I thought my clever father already knew.

Mai yanping
(16/09/03)

Happiness


Every morning when I open my eyes,
I feel lucky that I am still alive,
My eyes can see this beautiful world and cry sad or joyful tears,
My ears can hear pleasant music and friend’s attentions,
My mouth can taste delicious food and sing wonderful songs,
My hand can do my favourite job and take note every moving moment in our life,
My heart can feel all kinds of hopes and loves.

Then my mind starts to think: what is happiness?

At first I always think that happiness is in the distance or in the future,
My eyes keep watching and my ears listen carefully,
I worry that I miss it,
Later I find out,
The songs I have sung,
The hands I have held,
The tears I have cried,
The people I have loved

All of these experiences,
I call them happiness.


Mai yanping
(12/12/03)