GLADIATOR II: THE PRESIDENTIAL DUEL
Starring: Russell Crowe as the Butcher of Baghdad
and Woody Allen as the Wimp of Washington


[Setting: Roman Coliseum, October 31, 2002, general takes of the Coliseum, then close-up of the announcer]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, sponsored by the United Nations and as a means to end the mother of all wars, from now on only the heads of state of the warring factions will fight each other in this Roman Coliseum. Tonight we have in this corner at 160 pounds, dressed only in the American flag, The Wimp of Washington, Minimus George II! In his last, first and only combat, he promised to bring in, dead or alive, the Bomber of Saudi Arabia, Osama Bin Laden. Since he couldn’t find his previous opponent to even throw a punch at him, he decided to go after the present one. And here he is….. Ladies and gentlemen in the opposite corner, at 180 pounds and sporting a Groucho Marx moustache, The Butcher of Baghdad, Maximus Saddam! These two gladiators will fight to the death and the winner gets to have all the oil from Iraq and hundreds of thousands of innocent lives will be spared to boot. The odds are 7 to 1 for the Butcher, who is an experienced gladiator, with a record of ten thousand KOs and only one defeat.

[two -head take of WW and the announcer]
Announcer: Mr. Presiwmp, do you have something to say before the fight?
WW: Him tried to kill my dad…
Announcer: Yes, yes, after your dad tried to kill him, right?
WW: Him gassed his own people and tried to kill my dad…
Announcer: Didn’t your daddy provide him with the gas?
WW: Let’s stick it to the facts, him tried to kill my dad…

[Close-up of the announcer]
Announcer: Mr. Butcher, what do you have to say to your opponent?

[two -head take of BB and the announcer]
BB: I won’t take any more punishment from his family. First the father bombed the hell out of my country and now the son wants to bomb what is left. I’ll show this wimp who is the real man.
Announcer: What weapons of mass destruction are you planning to use in this fight?
BB: I’ll bite his ear, his nose and his tongue, then I’ll dance the Mazurka on his grave.

[Close-up of the announcer]
Announcer: Mr. Presiwimp, what legal weapons will you use in this fight?

[take of WW, in the background BB making faces]
WW: I already has a sniper hidden in the gallery and I also bribedded his physician to have him injected with curare poison that will start paralyzing his in a couple of minutes.

[close-up of announcer]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this fight is brought to you by General Electric, General Electric brings good deaths to life. And by Monsanto: If there is ever another war, Monsanto will spray your enemy and his land with legal poisons; and by Coca Cola, killing unionists from the Third World since 1969.

[camera focus on WW corner]
WW: (To the seconds in his corner) Why aren’t my enemy dying? It’s time for the poison to activate!
Seconds: We’ve just learned that the FBI mislabeled the poison and he instead was injected with steroids!!
WW: Asteorids! I think I tried them when I was at Yale. Go to plan D; ask the sniper to fire!
Seconds: The CIA blew it and sent the sniper to the third floor of a book depository in Dallas, Texas!
WW: Why isn’t we learning? Besides I already saw that movie. Is we going to kill Kennedy again?

[cut to the announcer]
Announcer: (Calling the gladiators to the middle of the ring) The fight is about to begin. Remember: Fight early, fight often and fight dirty!

[General view of the Coliseum, then close- up to the fight]
(Saddam approaches WW, swinging a box cutter. The wimp frantically gets out his cellular and starts screaming to his dad for help. Suddenly, the lights of the Coliseum go off and we can hear the escalating sounds of a terrible battle, accompanied by agonizing screams and the fierce roars of lions. When the lights come back on, we see Saddam, battered but alive, in the middle of the ring, surrounded by six dead lions. An old lady from the public is walloping the seventh lion with her shoe. WW is nowhere to be seen)

[cut to face of announcer]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, we regret to announce that seven lions that were extras for another movie escaped during the fight. Six of them were killed by the Butcher and the seventh has evidently devoured WW. Luckily, that seventh lion was captured and killed after his meal by an old lady who was selling cotton candy.

At long last, and without further ado, we are proud to announce that the Supreme Gladiator Court has declared that the winner is…( trumpet roll) Presenting to you, directly from the stomach of a dead lion, the victor Minimus George II!
[The announcer lifts up the paw of the dead lion while the public begins to complain loudly and then starts to riot.]
Announcer: (To a dizzy Saddam) What do you think of the court’s verdict?
Saddam: ( With stoic resignation ) I strongly disagree, but I respect their decision.

[In the background, WW crawls, completely naked, out of the mouth of the dead lion and is pursued by the same old lady who killed the lion, who chases him out of the Coliseum, menacing shoe in hand.]

THE END