Yesterdays Countryside Alliance march in Central London was the blackest day in British politics for many years. The very worst elements of British society came crawling out of the rotting woodwork to spread their venomous bigotry in the very city they profess to loathe so much.

I decided to go along to the anti-hunt counter-demonstration on the day for a number of reasons, but mainly it was because I felt that the march shouldn’t be taking place in London at all. It had become clear to me beforehand that, in spite of the Countryside Alliance marching under the banner of “Liberty and Livelihood”, the march was mainly about the right to murder animals, but with a sinister undercurrent of anti-city-dweller sentiment to boot. In spite of the fact I no longer live in London, I felt I ought to stand up against this march on the basis that they should have it elsewhere.

While I am in favour of a total ban on hunting, I did initially feel some sympathy for the farmers in the current climate of corporate greed and ‘big guy’ versus ‘little guy’. At least, I did, until yesterday…

It all began when I walked out of Westminster tube at midday, to be confronted with my first view of the marchers. I was immediately struck by the countless number of men in flathats, green body warmers and Wellington boots, also sporting huge sideburns and brown cords. Initially thinking this section of the group had dressed up for the occasion, it didn’t take me long to realise that this wasn’t a joke – the Farmer Giles stereotype is alive and well.

Interspersed with the farmers were hundreds of loudmouthed, obnoxious, rugby shirted, floppy haired aristocratic youngsters, clearly enjoying their first ever taste of “real” politics, in between stopping at various private members’ clubs for champagne breaks. And, of course, we can’t forget the large number of rural thugs – skinheaded inbreds with little or no idea why they are there, other than that they want to kill animals, and they don’t like it when the country democratically elects people who want to make it illegal…topped up with a sick contempt for anyone who dwells in a city…

After storming past the march on the other side of the railings on my way to the counter demo, I looked to see some extremely obnoxious loud aristocrats holding up a banner proclaiming: “We’ll keep the cowshit in the countryside, if you keep your bullshit in the city.” So enraged at this provocative and insulting banner in my slightly hungover state, I gesticulated a “wanker” sign at the holders as I strode past at a pace. Sadly, I hadn’t spotted the police officers next to me…

“OI!!!”, screamed the largest pig of the trio as he ferociously grabbed my arm and dragged me to the side of the pavement, “What the FUCKING HELL do you think you’re playing at?”

(I should mention at this point that his heavy Norfolk-accent was unmistakable. Surely him and his mates couldn’t have been voluntarily bussed in for the occasion, could they?)

Me: “Officer, I am merely expressing my displeasure with people at this march insulting city dwellers.”

Copper: “Insulting my ARSE. YOU just made a wanker sign at them.”

Me: “OK, fair enough so I did. But it’s no ruder than their banners. Or the fact you have just sworn at me.”

Copper: “Don’t you give me that, you FUCKER. These people are marching for their LIVELIHOODS! Do you have a problem with that?”

Me: “I wouldn’t have a problem officer, if it wasn’t for the fact that whenever the trade unions march or protest, we are generally treated very differently to these people, in spite of the fact we are marching for OUR Livelihoods as well.”

Copper: “That’s not the point…You are trying to incite violence…”

By now, passing marchers had started to notice what was going on, and started egging on the copper with cries of “Nick him!” I was beginning to realise I was heavily outnumbered to the tune of about 450,000 to one.

As I didn’t fancy being arrested two minutes after getting off the train, I shamelessly backed down and apologised, and promised the friendly, happy, politically unbiased copper that I would go straight home and not cause any trouble… Sadly, my short term memory isn’t what it used to be, and I almost immediately found myself within the 150 strong anti-hunt demo…

In spite of the clearly biased media coverage of our little sideshow, it was generally a good-natured crowd. A band of drummers gave it the large one and we tried to distribute leaflets telling the brutal truth about British bloodsports. Some of the protest had megaphones and told the crowd, in generally polite terms, exactly what they thought of them.

Naturally, the response we got was pretty horrific. Aristocrats offering us out for “fisticuffs”, farmers also threatening us with violence, and most sinisterly of all, individual marchers methodically taking pictures of every one of us, probably to go on some hardcore pro-hunt activist website.

The police were also watching us like hawks, but didn’t even bother to look at the march itself, in spite of the fact they are marching for something which is about to become illegal. As farmers screamed at us, made rude gesticulations (like, for example, wanker signs) and screamed that we are all “cunts”, police officers didn’t bat an eyelid. Predictably, when we tried to respond, we were met with heavy handed policing at it’s worst – threats of arrest and manhandling – all designed to make us feel threatened. After a while we were surrounded with police – while they claimed it was for our own safety, it became clear that they wanted us to feel as small as possible…

A few half hearted chants of “SCUM! SCUM! SCUM!” were occasionally thrown up towards the group, but otherwise, we just joked and laughed at the largest succession of strange upper-class toffs ever assembled in one place at one time.

But laughter aside, it became apparent that these people really were haters of all-things to do with the city. Banner after banner telling city folk to “Fuck off” came past our small enclosure. It amazed me to see in just how much contempt us urbanites are held by the Countryside Alliance.

Naturally, the police didn’t act on any of these rude banners - even the one which said “Blair is CUNTryside Wrecker”… Just imagine if the unions or the Stop The War coalition had banners like that? Can you picture the outcry in the press? But because these people are the landed gentry – the traditional establishment and their lackeys - they are perfectly entitled to get away with it. If ever there is a case of one rule for them, and one for the others, yesterday was it.

I was quite frankly appalled by the end of the day. We had small children, as young as 7 or 8, coming right up to our enclosure and telling us to “Piss off and mind your own business” – clearly being put up to it by their grinning parents standing behind them. Already, it seems, the modern countryside folk are poisoning their children against the city from an early age.

Another interesting point is the marked lack of non-whites on the march. I counted three all day – hardly representative of the true make up of Britain. I also noticed the National Front – accepted into the march alongside the Countryside Alliance. Kind of speaks for itself, I would have said…

I came away from the day not so much angry, but more in shock. It struck me that, if a hunt ban goes through, these lunatics will stop at nothing to “get their own back” on us meddling city folk. I heard an interview on Radio 4 last week with some “hardliners” from a group called “The Real Countryside Alliance.” They were threatening fertilizer bomb attacks on cities and properties of prominent politicians…(Presumably, we should be investigating these maniacs as part of the War On Terror?)

So, the upshot of all this is that it seems we are actually heading for civil war – or at least that is what the Countryside Alliance would like. So from now on, I for one will be doing everything in my power to undermine the British countryside. I am going to only buy imported food, unless there is absolutely no option. I am never again going anywhere in the countryside on any sort of leisure break. I am writing to my MP to express my personal disgust at taxpayers money going to subsidise any farmer, and I urge you all to do the same.

What we must remember is that they need us much more than we need them – the countryside would perish without the demand from townies like us. If we all make a concerted effort to boycott British goods and slash their subsidies, they’ll soon change their tune and start welcoming us again with open arms.

Furthermore, we need an even greater concerted effort to stop these people marching in cities across the UK ever again. Since they hate us all so much, then we shouldn’t allow them to trapse across our cities. In the same way the farmers shoot trespassers and block off footpaths, we should have roadblocks at all major routes into the city when they try to come again, and ban marchers from our pubs, restaurants and hotels.

At the end of the day, the people who organised and funded the march yesterday are the landed gentry – upset at no longer running the country as they have done for years. They are the fat of the land – the relics of our sad aristocratic past – and they must be stamped out altogether. The class war is evidently just beginning, and it’s city versus country…