The A-Z of Terror
Osama Bin Loaded | 27.10.2001 23:02
Baffled by corporate media coverage of the war in Afghanistan? Not to worry, here is our very own idiot-proof guide to the modern Middle East.
The A-Z of Terror
A is for Afghanistan, the country that no-one can invade (except Alexander the Great, on his way to India in the fourth century BC). The Russians tried it in 1979 and were still trying in 1985, when the total number of casualties was seriously beginning to affect Gorbachev's bald patch.
B is for Blair, the vice-president of America. B is also for bombing, ballistics, bonkers and bloodbath.
C is for collateral damage, as in 19,000 civilians killed each day by US-led neo-liberal trade policies, an item that doesn't even make the evening news (see also Racism). C is also for Congo, Chile, China and Chechnya.
D is for dead, as in "dead or alive". See Karadzic.
E is for Echelon, a sophisticated spy technology that allows the government to eavesdrop on private conversations. I wonder if they can hear what we're saying?
F is for fundamentalism. Since Sep 11, everyone has become a Cup-a-Soup expert on Islamic fundamentalism. Forget the history, the theology and the legal niceties; it all boils down to one thing - they're beardy scroungers who obviously deserve a kicking.
G is for George Bush senior, who whipped Saddam's ass in 1991. It took 6 months to assemble the coalition which finally "liberated" Kuwait - 5 and a half months for the president to find Kuwait on the map, and fifteen minutes to write out a big cheque to the Saudis (see Saudi Arabia).
H is for Hindu Kush, which literally means "Hindu Killer", a ruddy big mountain in the middle of Afghanistan where Osama and friends can see out the winter.
I is for Infinite Justice, the original name for the military strikes. The operation was renamed "Enduring Freedom" after protests from Muslim clerics. Presumably these clerics can now sleep safe in their beds while thousands of tons of high explosives rain down on civilian homes, schools and hospitals.
J is for Jack Straw, the deputy foreign secretary of the USA.
K is for Karadzic, the former president of the Bosnian Serb republic. Has been on the UN's Most Wanted List for the past 6 years, indicted with crimes against humanity. Persistent attempts to apprehend this dastardly criminal have come to naught, in spite of his home address appearing on a UN website. What hope for Bin Laden?
L is for Lockheed-Martin, the "defence" company recently awarded a $200 billion contract for new "stealth" fighter aircraft (no, this is not a typo!) By the year 2015, the US and Britain will have an all-stealth attack capability, just in case there's anyone left with a working radar to bomb.
M is for Milosevic. What on earth does the former president of Yugoslavia have to do with Afghanistan, I hear you ask? Well, quite a lot as it turns out. In March 1999, the US and friends launched a war against Milosevic over Kosovo. Milosevic is now on trial for war crimes in the Hague. Unfortuntely, there is very little to connect these two enticing facts. The literature on regime displacement could do with beefing up - for now, let us admit that comparing Yugoslavia with Afghanistan is rather like comparing apples and pears.
N is for New York City, where 5,000 civilians were killed in the Sep 11 attack, although it could be half that number, because the lists aren't very reliable. (Does that mean we're only going to bomb half of Afghanistan?: Ed.)
O is for Osama bin Laden. Well no, actually, O is for oil. You see, there's lots of it in central Asia that the US would like shipped to the Pakistani border in a nice shiny new pipeline. The problem being these pesky Taliban keep getting in the way.
P is for politics, as in "war is a continuation of politica activity by other means", which is all very well if we had a policy to start with. Maybe someone should call the president.
Q is for al-Qaida, which means "the base". The bombing of Afghanistan is meant to destroy Osama bin Laden's base of operations in the Middle East. Rendering the country uninhabitable is probably going to be the easy bit. In the long run, there are hundreds of "terrorist" organisations working out of dozens of countries. Disrupting terrorist networks is nothing new - shutting them down altogether requires a political solution (which in itself requires a viable Afghan opposition).
R is for racism. If Osama bin Laden were hiding out in Paris, we'd have to extradite him. Happily enough, Afghans (like Congolese, Chileans and Chechens et al) don't matter because they're wogs/spics/coons/hottentots etc. THE US IS NOT A RACIST STATE; Colin Powell is the Secretary of State and he is (allegedly) black. THE US IS NOT A RACIST STATE. THE US IS NOT A RACIST STATE. If you repeat this a hundred times inside your head, you might actually come to believe it.
S is for Saudi Arabia, the place where all the oil comes from. Corrupt as hell, it's an Islamic Emirate run by a bunch of bloodthirsty sheikhs who spend most of their spare time repressing women and cutting off people's heads. A key Western ally in the region, and absolutely nothing like Afghanistan, no sir thankyou very much.
T is for Taliban, which means "religious students". Thatcher always did say that students were trouble. The Taliban came to power in 1996, owing to the failure of the previous regime to provide any semblance of authority. Although their human rights record is non-existent (since there are no human rights in Afghanistan), many aid workers are grateful from the respite from banditry and general lawlessness.
U is for Uighurs, the Islamic minority within China. They're fighting for a separate state and Beijing ain't too pleased, which is why they've signed up for the bombing, especially since there isn't a Chinese embassy in Kabul.
V is for victory, something that we're unlikely to see in my lifetime.
W is for, erm, Dubya, the president who couldn't identify the leader of Pakistan in the run-up to the 2000 election.
X is for ex-servicemen, who constitute roughly one quarter of London's street population. As if it wasn't bad enough getting your head shot off for Queen and Country, the bastards let you freeze to death when the fighting's over.
Y is for WHY? US officials and pundits have publicly admitted that the "war on terror" will last 100 years. They are willing to create a century of mayhem, destruction and intra-communal blood-letting, all to avenge the deaths of a few thousand Americans. THE US IS NOT A RACIST STATE, you must repeat, THE US IS NOT A RACIST STATE.
Z is for Zionist entity (that's Israel to you and me). Zionism (which is not a form of racism) was recently dealt a body blow when the world's most unsavoury tourism minister was topped by the PFLP. Since then, Israel has embarked upon the usual round of incursions into Palestinian territory, retaliatory assassinations, blowing up people's houses and random snipings of schoolgirls. No doubt the Men in Black will want a few words with Ariel Sharon (who is emphatically not a war criminal) when all this Afghan business is over.
A is for Afghanistan, the country that no-one can invade (except Alexander the Great, on his way to India in the fourth century BC). The Russians tried it in 1979 and were still trying in 1985, when the total number of casualties was seriously beginning to affect Gorbachev's bald patch.
B is for Blair, the vice-president of America. B is also for bombing, ballistics, bonkers and bloodbath.
C is for collateral damage, as in 19,000 civilians killed each day by US-led neo-liberal trade policies, an item that doesn't even make the evening news (see also Racism). C is also for Congo, Chile, China and Chechnya.
D is for dead, as in "dead or alive". See Karadzic.
E is for Echelon, a sophisticated spy technology that allows the government to eavesdrop on private conversations. I wonder if they can hear what we're saying?
F is for fundamentalism. Since Sep 11, everyone has become a Cup-a-Soup expert on Islamic fundamentalism. Forget the history, the theology and the legal niceties; it all boils down to one thing - they're beardy scroungers who obviously deserve a kicking.
G is for George Bush senior, who whipped Saddam's ass in 1991. It took 6 months to assemble the coalition which finally "liberated" Kuwait - 5 and a half months for the president to find Kuwait on the map, and fifteen minutes to write out a big cheque to the Saudis (see Saudi Arabia).
H is for Hindu Kush, which literally means "Hindu Killer", a ruddy big mountain in the middle of Afghanistan where Osama and friends can see out the winter.
I is for Infinite Justice, the original name for the military strikes. The operation was renamed "Enduring Freedom" after protests from Muslim clerics. Presumably these clerics can now sleep safe in their beds while thousands of tons of high explosives rain down on civilian homes, schools and hospitals.
J is for Jack Straw, the deputy foreign secretary of the USA.
K is for Karadzic, the former president of the Bosnian Serb republic. Has been on the UN's Most Wanted List for the past 6 years, indicted with crimes against humanity. Persistent attempts to apprehend this dastardly criminal have come to naught, in spite of his home address appearing on a UN website. What hope for Bin Laden?
L is for Lockheed-Martin, the "defence" company recently awarded a $200 billion contract for new "stealth" fighter aircraft (no, this is not a typo!) By the year 2015, the US and Britain will have an all-stealth attack capability, just in case there's anyone left with a working radar to bomb.
M is for Milosevic. What on earth does the former president of Yugoslavia have to do with Afghanistan, I hear you ask? Well, quite a lot as it turns out. In March 1999, the US and friends launched a war against Milosevic over Kosovo. Milosevic is now on trial for war crimes in the Hague. Unfortuntely, there is very little to connect these two enticing facts. The literature on regime displacement could do with beefing up - for now, let us admit that comparing Yugoslavia with Afghanistan is rather like comparing apples and pears.
N is for New York City, where 5,000 civilians were killed in the Sep 11 attack, although it could be half that number, because the lists aren't very reliable. (Does that mean we're only going to bomb half of Afghanistan?: Ed.)
O is for Osama bin Laden. Well no, actually, O is for oil. You see, there's lots of it in central Asia that the US would like shipped to the Pakistani border in a nice shiny new pipeline. The problem being these pesky Taliban keep getting in the way.
P is for politics, as in "war is a continuation of politica activity by other means", which is all very well if we had a policy to start with. Maybe someone should call the president.
Q is for al-Qaida, which means "the base". The bombing of Afghanistan is meant to destroy Osama bin Laden's base of operations in the Middle East. Rendering the country uninhabitable is probably going to be the easy bit. In the long run, there are hundreds of "terrorist" organisations working out of dozens of countries. Disrupting terrorist networks is nothing new - shutting them down altogether requires a political solution (which in itself requires a viable Afghan opposition).
R is for racism. If Osama bin Laden were hiding out in Paris, we'd have to extradite him. Happily enough, Afghans (like Congolese, Chileans and Chechens et al) don't matter because they're wogs/spics/coons/hottentots etc. THE US IS NOT A RACIST STATE; Colin Powell is the Secretary of State and he is (allegedly) black. THE US IS NOT A RACIST STATE. THE US IS NOT A RACIST STATE. If you repeat this a hundred times inside your head, you might actually come to believe it.
S is for Saudi Arabia, the place where all the oil comes from. Corrupt as hell, it's an Islamic Emirate run by a bunch of bloodthirsty sheikhs who spend most of their spare time repressing women and cutting off people's heads. A key Western ally in the region, and absolutely nothing like Afghanistan, no sir thankyou very much.
T is for Taliban, which means "religious students". Thatcher always did say that students were trouble. The Taliban came to power in 1996, owing to the failure of the previous regime to provide any semblance of authority. Although their human rights record is non-existent (since there are no human rights in Afghanistan), many aid workers are grateful from the respite from banditry and general lawlessness.
U is for Uighurs, the Islamic minority within China. They're fighting for a separate state and Beijing ain't too pleased, which is why they've signed up for the bombing, especially since there isn't a Chinese embassy in Kabul.
V is for victory, something that we're unlikely to see in my lifetime.
W is for, erm, Dubya, the president who couldn't identify the leader of Pakistan in the run-up to the 2000 election.
X is for ex-servicemen, who constitute roughly one quarter of London's street population. As if it wasn't bad enough getting your head shot off for Queen and Country, the bastards let you freeze to death when the fighting's over.
Y is for WHY? US officials and pundits have publicly admitted that the "war on terror" will last 100 years. They are willing to create a century of mayhem, destruction and intra-communal blood-letting, all to avenge the deaths of a few thousand Americans. THE US IS NOT A RACIST STATE, you must repeat, THE US IS NOT A RACIST STATE.
Z is for Zionist entity (that's Israel to you and me). Zionism (which is not a form of racism) was recently dealt a body blow when the world's most unsavoury tourism minister was topped by the PFLP. Since then, Israel has embarked upon the usual round of incursions into Palestinian territory, retaliatory assassinations, blowing up people's houses and random snipings of schoolgirls. No doubt the Men in Black will want a few words with Ariel Sharon (who is emphatically not a war criminal) when all this Afghan business is over.
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