Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001,
when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable
TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered
inadequacy of service, which I had not previously
considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me
to provide Specific details, so that you
can either pursue your professional prerogative, and
seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely
(I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading material as you while away
the working day smoking B&H and drinking
vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without
warning or notice, resulting in my spending an
entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not
arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the
even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me
to look at your helpful website?. how? I
alleviated the boredom to some small degree by
playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an
activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some
two weeks later, although the technician did forget
to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
arrived. After several further telephone calls
(actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem
arrived ? a total of six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet
servers is roughly 35%? these are usually the hours
between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday,
and most of the useful periods over
the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I
have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your
no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is
available (and someone will call me back), that no
telephone line is available (and someone will call
me back), that I will be transferred to
someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been cut off), that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and
then been redirected to an answer machine informing
me that your office is closed), that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then
been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman?. and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as
you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied
customers to ignore, and also another one of those
crucially important testicle-moments to
attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a
customer to voice my frustrations in print than to
shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the
holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that
no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested,
less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That's why I
chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone
else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment
what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You
are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum - incompetents of the highest
order. British Telecom - wankers though they are -
shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the
filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile
and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service
from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease
any potential future attempts to
extort payment from me for the services which you
have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted
initially with hilarity and disbelief - although
these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision,
and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great
care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of
my utter and complete contempt for both you, and
your pointless company. I sincerely
hope that they have not become desiccated during
transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time
of posting, and I would feel considerable
disappointment if you did not experience both
their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and
it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you
miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent
and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,

Yours psychotically,



Xxxx Xxxxxxx

Tim Leslie
Consultant
Field Services Group
Computer Associates Ltd
Mobile : +44 (0)7702 917746
EMail :  Tim.Leslie@ca.com