Word has been leaked from a reliable source in the undertaking business that Margaret Thatcher's body is being secretly embalmed and is scheduled to be put on display for the adoring masses in the near future. The controversial decision has been made by the Prime Minister and the Chancellor in conjunction with Mrs Thatcher's son Mark and international envoy Tony Blair, sanctioned by royal permission from the Queen. The funeral mortuary will be built at an as yet undisclosed location in central London, obliterating the site of a council sink estate which has been placed under a compulsory purchase order.

Taxpayer money will be used to fund both the purchase and the edifice yet to be constructed, as well as to maintain the 7 day, 24 hour private security contractors that will be required to keep the building and its contents safe for eternity. The architecture is rumoured to be modelled on the state mortuary that houses Kim Jong Il in Pyongyang, North Korea and also the US embassy in Baghdad, but in this case the union jack will fly from the summit alongside the Falklands flag. Iain Duncan Smith's Workfare scheme has been marked to provide the huge unskilled workforce that will be required for the task.

World celebrities expected to attend the funeral service at St. Paul's Cathedral include dignitaries as diverse as Henry Kissinger, Tommy Suharto, son of the former Indonesian dictator, Donald Rumsfeld, Baby Doc Duvalier, Polly Toynbee, Roy Hattersley, Zachary DeLorean, Rupert Murdoch, Norman Tebbit and Pol Pot's daughter Saloth Sitha. A surprise bouquet of flowers has been sent by Martin McGuinness, former chief of staff in the Provisional IRA, with the words 'sorry for the unseemly parties in Belfast and Derry by misguided republicans' on it.