Work and pensions secretary, Iain Duncan-Smith, said terrestrial television channels will be fined for showed anything other than silent, coldly-lit film of some dairy produce on a spindle between 9am and 5pm.

He added: "Loose Women, Bargain Hunt, films with Ernest Borgnine in - truly daytime television is the manna of the workshy, a rusty nail in the bicycle tyre of UK industry.

"These measures are radical but fair. The rotating cheese will drive ghastly, bloated scum to the job centre while providing more-than-adequate entertainment for pensioners."

Mr Duncan-Smith made special mention of the quiz show Going For Gold, stressing that if necessary the government would seek a high court injuction to prevent it making a comeback in any form whatsoever.

Unemployed Emma Bradford, from Halifax, said: "There was a time when I loved nothing more than to spend my afternoons watching one of the many documentaries about chimpanzees being inoculated.

"But actually, you know, it's surprising how interesting a lump of slowly spinning cheddar can be. It's sort of hypnotic and restful, like the old test card with the girl and the clown toy.

She added: "It's obviously more entertaining than Denise Welch and, I suspect, does not smell as strongly of cheese."