The new Israeli coalition headed by Benjamin Netanyahu, leader of Likud, backed by Avigdor Liebermen of Yisrael Beiteinu, Elei Yishai of Shas and Ehud Barak, leading Labor into unprecedented waters, has come up with a coldly calculated plan, freezing out Kadima, leaving President Obama and his Peace Quartet on thin ice.

Prime Minister Netanyahu is believed to have dreamed this up over canapés and chilled champagne in the Knesset, when he realized that the size of his majority and of Israel could both go up 59 percent if only they could claim large icebergs as Israeli territory.

Avigdor Liebermen is believed to have backed the idea saying “ This will break the ice with the Americans” because it would enable Israel to make territorial concessions in the West Bank and Israel itself, so losing Arab areas, whilst gaining large expanses of territory with no population, except polar bears and penguins.

Asked if he was sure Israeli territorial claims to icebergs would be accepted by the international community he replied “Its obvious to everybody that iceberg sounds Jewish – that’s enough to start with”.

Shas is reported to have convened a committee of Torah Sages to search for Talmudic references and theological proof of Jewish ownership of icebergs, in return for unlimited ice cubes for religious schools, in perpetuity.

When reminded of the climatic preferences of most Israelis, at least up until now, Avigdor Liebermen is said to have retorted “We Israelis are tough, at least as tough as Russians. If they can live in cold places, so can we.”

Ehud Barak and the Israeli Defense Force are training Israeli parachutists to land on large icebergs to plant the Israeli flag on top. This is despite expert advice that icebergs often capsize, so what was the top becomes the bottom.

R20; I have told the army that their job, in ever changing circumstances, is to stay on top of things”. The IDF is therefore understood to have also trained the parachutists as frogmen so that they can remove the Israeli flag when it is at the bottom of the iceberg and put it back on the top. “Israelis will expect to see progress” he said, “and that the army knows what its doing”.

Astonished EU military attaches asked him how many times the IDF was prepared to do this with each iceberg. Barak is reported to have banged the table with an iced orange juice and said “As many times as it takes”.

The admiring EU attaches reportedly offered to buy him more drinks, with extra ice, but one of them asked “ As many times as it takes to do what ?” but apparently after a while nobody could remember this question.

However Ehud Barak did convince both the Knesset Foreign Affairs and Defense Committee and the EU diplomats present that he knew exactly what he was doing. “This fits in well with the economic stimulus package, or it’s not just the Bedouin family allowances that will freeze up. This also means the solution to one of our biggest problems.”

R20;Whats that?” everybody present asked. “Water” he said, “Its all about water. No need to have wars about water anymore, we can just tow it here”.

The Knesset Foreign Affairs and Defense Committee, which supports the proposal, was reportedly overcome at the devastating simplicity of this plan. The Chairman proudly said, “This plan is direct and meaningful. Our labor has not been in vain”.

Not only would Israel claim large icebergs with fishing, oil and gas rights, but they could also tow them to Tel Aviv to provide fresh water.

A large iceberg off-shore, fitted with stabilizers, could also provide new jobs in IT, winter sports including on Saturdays, steaks with cheese sauce, a casino, computer dating weekends, mixed marriages and quickie divorces.

Hamas has said they will never agree to Israeli sovereignty over icebergs, or to so many people having a good time, and will fire rockets at them, since economic cooperation is frozen anyway and they get nothing out of it.

Fatah has said they think they may have already agreed that all icebergs are Jewish late one evening in Oslo, but have lost the notes of the meeting. But they also get nothing out of it, and more people will support Hamas.

Syria says so long as they get the Golan heights back, Syrian political and security interests are not affected by maritime disputes over broken ice.

But President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran has issued an uncompromising statement, that “Zionist claims to own all icebergs are ridiculous and no-one should take them seriously”.

Dr Terry Lacey
Email:  terrylacey2003@yahoo.co.uk

Dr Terry Lacey is a development economist who writes from Jakarta, Indonesia, on modernization in the Muslim world, investment and trade relations with the EU and Islamic banking.