Shimon Peres, father of Israel’s nuclear bombs. swore allegiance yesterday evening and took up the post of ninth president of the State of Israel.

A moment later, Peres promised the people of Israel, that unlike his predecessor, he would not rape anyone while he was in office.

He also said he would re-direct the nuclear missiles directed at Berlin and Warsaw because of their involvement in the Holocaust.

The former acting president (the real former president and rapist could not turn up), Dalia Itzik, had a brainstorm: asking the new president's forgiveness on behalf of generations of Knesset members.

It was nice of her, especially considering that she wanted to be president herself and she said she had never raped anyone.

For half a year, she was acting president while the rapist covered his tracks, but she never reached the longed-for position.

"Over the years, we made your life bitter," the Knesset speaker explained the historic apology.

"You knew hard times and painful moments. We ridiculed your dreams of peace and we still do," she said.