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PRESS RELEASE: President Bush declares war on bicycles.

James Moylan | 15.05.2006 04:22 | Anti-militarism | Culture | Repression

The following is a transcript of the President's address to the Nation.

"My fellow Americans. It has come to my attention that our great land has been infiltrated by seditious and hateful agents of horror. During the last year at least one thousand of our citizens were cut down in their prime by velocipedes - these so-called bicycles! One thousand times more than were killed by terrorists!

This sort of death toll is not acceptable! Especially as the majority of these innocent victims were young Americans who had every right to look forward to a long and fruitful life.

So in response to this unacceptable risk, posed by these two wheeled agents of terror, my government has launched a series of initiatives so as to protect and preserve the peace. From this day forward every agency of the United States Government will be placed on Velocipede Alert.

We will launch a War on Bicycles!

Firstly - I intend to rid the Continental United States of bicycles. I don't care what they might say or do in other countries - it is my responsibility to protect the lives and liberties of American citizens.

Secondly - Any individual seen to be associated with these hateful and evil devices will be committing an offence and will, henceforth, be incarcerated indefinitely. Maybe tortured. Whilst this might seem a harsh measure it is necessary so that we might derive further information relating to their evil velocipedic contacts and plans.

Thirdly - Anyone seen or heard to be supporting the use of velocipedes shall be committing an offence and will become liable to be shot on sight. This measure is aimed at easing the terror that such two wheeled propagandizing is currently inflicting on our community.

Fourthly - As the majority of these evil and heinous deaths seem to result from the dastardly designs of foreign nationals I have instructed our Intelligence agencies to draw up plans counter this threat. I say now, in plain and simple terms - to anyone, anywhere in the world - if you are planning new and devilish velocipedes - you will be caught and killed.

Finally - I would like to take this opportunity to assure all Americans that this dire threat is being addressed by every agency in the Government. We shall leave no stone unturned in our efforts to root out this evil. We shall track down and kill all those with evil velocipedic intent. Wherever they might hide"

North American Mainland deaths from terrorism
1996 - 0
1997 - 2
1998 - 1
1999 - 3
2000 - 3
2001 - 2987
2002 - 3
2003 - 3
2004 - 0
2005 - 0
2006 - 0

Accidental Deaths per year on North American Mainland
(1981 to 1994)
100 on commercial flight
850 by electrical current
1000 on a bicycle
1452 by accidental gunfire
3000 by complications to medical procedures
3600 by inhaling or ingesting objects
5000 by fire
5000 by drowning
5300 by accidental poisoning
8000 as pedestrians
11,000 at work
12,000 by falls
22,500 at home
46,000 in auto accidents

U.S. ODDS of dying from:
Cardiovascular disease: 1 in 2
Smoking (by/before age 35): 1 in 600
Car trip, coast-to-coast: 1 in 14,000
Bicycle accident: 1 in 88,000
Tornado: 1 in 450,000
Train, coast-to-coast: 1 in 1,000,000
Lightning: 1 in 1.9 million
Bee sting: 1 in 5.5 million
U.S. commercial jet airline: 1 in 7 million
Terrorism: 1 in 8 609 815 (twelve year average)

Sources: Natural History Museum of Los Angeles County, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, University of California at Berkeley
more vital imformation from the only sane ape in the pack.

James Moylan
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Meteorites are more lethal then terrorists

16.05.2006 06:58

Even though meteor impacts such as the one that killed the dinosaurs are quite rare, because of the scale of the destruction, one is more likely to get killed by a meteorite then in a plane crash.
This of course also means that one is more likely to get killed by a meteorite then by a terrorist.

Rob van der Putten
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