Israel Dismantles; World's Problems End

"It's not every day when the French, the Germans, Muslims, Communists, Nazis, Arabs, Socialists, and the United Nations agree on things, so when they do, it's obvious that they must be correct."

Persistent rhetoric coming from concerned progressive critics worldwide has finally convinced Israeli officials that the state of Israel has no moral right to exist. "That's it," Prime Minister Ariel Sharon explained at a press conference. "We are dismantling the Nation of Israel. I'm leaving for Poland next week."

"My cabinet and I had long discussions about world troubles, and we concluded that our critics are right - all the troubles can be traced back to us. So, in order to resolve these issues, we felt it would be best to extend our withdrawal beyond Gaza to include the West Bank and Israel proper," Sharon said. "The Gaza pullout was only a test, and the ensuing waves of peace and brotherhood it had triggered in Palestine and beyond, encouraged us to disband altogether. Without us here, people of the world will finally be able, once again, to live in permanent harmony and understanding - just like they all did before Israel's founding nearly sixty years ago."

From Russia to Morocco to Yemen to France, countries are anticipating the arrival of Israelis. In Moscow, an enormous banner was erected that read "Welcome Home, Jews" and erstwhile presidential candidate Vladimir Zhirinovsky exclaimed, "I'm going to bake a huge batch of cookies for this homecoming!" And in cities throughout Germany, joyous "Judenfests" were ubiquitous, as local citizens were arranging festivals to celebrate the Jewish arrival.

German foreign minister Joschka Fischer indicated that, "For some reason, the Jewish presence in Germany is low by historical standards; many of our citizens under the age of 70 have never even met a Jew. In addition to curing the world's problems, the dismantling of Israel will give our people the opportunity to achieve their main wish in life - to live with Jews."

Similarly, the new Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has kicked off a popular "Iran-loves-Jews" campaign that will include a sensitive re-writing of the laws to accommodate religions other than Islam. He explained, "With the Zionist entity out of the way, the Iranian government will tone down its violent and threatening rhetoric, dismantle its nuclear program, and stop funding Hezbollah and other terrorist groups. As a matter of fact, I might even resign my position and award the presidency to someone else. Do you think Schwarzenegger is available?"

A spokesperson for Hezbollah stated that Iran's proposal wouldn't matter. "We don't need the funding because we no longer have any reason to exist. We disposed of our weapons, and will now re-focus on opening a chain of pizzerias. You just can't get decent pizza around here, and we're going to change that."

He was joined by a former high-ranking member of Hamas: "Yeah, we also pretty much accomplished what we wanted. We'll get together for reunions now and then, but otherwise, we'll just settle down into normal lifestyles. You know... mortgage, house, bowling, PTA meetings..."

Al Qaeda has also released a statement that read: "As the entire world knows, the Zionist presence in our Holy Palestine has been the only reason for our existence. This is why we attacked the World Trade Center and why we murdered Americans in Iraq. It's why we bombed Paris, London, and Bali, why we exploded buildings in Saudi Arabia, and why we enabled murders and terrorist activities in Thailand, Kashmir, Russia, Morocco, Nigeria, India, and the Philippines. But now, with Palestine returned to our brothers, all operations will cease. This is effective immediately and is irrevocable. We will now form The International Peace Corps and of course pay reparations to the non-Israelis who we murdered."

In the new country of Palestine, there are already signs of promise. President Abu Mazen elaborated, "We're adopting the American Constitution as our legal model. We believe that our future is in limited government; free markets, rule of law, respect for contracts and individual rights. And by attracting foreign investment, our highly educated and motivated workforce will soon become the most affluent in the region. In our own country, we will bring to fruition all the programs that we started in refugee camps, such as our breakthroughs in medicine, education, applied and theoretical sciences, nanotechnology, and space exploration."

When asked why these breakthroughs were not previously revealed, he replied, "Yassir always wanted an open and liberal society that encouraged free thought, free expression, and academic exploration, but it was impossible with the Zionist enemy next door. But now, our pent-up contributions in science and the humanities will finally be released. With this release of pressure, our accomplishments will explode faster than our martyrs used to!"

But most significantly, the end of Israel will have a large impact on United States policy. In an earlier press conference, President Bush had these words:

"As we all know, the only reason for our toppling of Saddam Hussein was to obey my superiors, the well-funded Zionist lobby, without understanding why. However, as Israel no longer exists, we will immediately withdraw all American troops from Iraq, suspend their new constitution, and halt all construction of schools and hospitals. But most importantly, we will be returning Saddam Hussein to his presidency, and pay him FEMA reparations for the Israeli-ordered murder of his sons.

"Furthermore, I want to extend an invitation to my colleague and close personal friend, Jacques Chirac, to rebuild French nuclear reactors in Iraq. Saddam Hussein needs nuclear weapons, and this time, the Israelis will not be around to destroy them.

"To our friend Saddam Hussein, America says, 'Can you forgive us?' Israel lied, we lied, I lied, and everyone died. We know that it was because of Israel that you praised the September 11th attacks, and that you sheltered terrorists, and that you (rightfully) wanted nuclear weapons, and that you gassed the Kurds, and buried thousands in mass graves. Certainly, any dictator who blatantly expresses delight at watching Americans die, has a track record of invading other countries, uses chemical weapons, and actively seeks nuclear weapons could never in any way be even a remote threat to the United States. And now, with Israel out of the way, we are proud to welcome President Saddam Hussein back into our family of nations."

One particular family of nations is very concerned, "With Israel gone, there's nothing left for us to do," says a United Nations staffer. "Since the world's conflicts will be over, we're worried that they won't need us any more." An anonymous U.N. delegate shared his concern: "I've even heard that they considered converting the U.N. building into condominiums, but there are too many cockroaches. Why would that matter? In my country, we pay a premium to live with cockroaches!"

The most important opinion came from the mourning Cindy Sheehan, with a nation hanging onto her every pearl of maternal insight: "Thank goodness this is over and I can now disappear into obscurity. And...wait a minute...is that my son speaking? Yes it is! He is saying," Mother...mother...I am so grateful that Israel no longer exists! Mother, I am so happy that no other helpless children, like myself, will ever die in wars again!"

A large group of neo-Nazis who happened to be visiting Ms. Sheehan at the moment seemed upbeat: "With Israel gone, we'll be shutting down our web sites and closing meeting centers. Now that our job is done, you'll never hear from us again."

David Duke agreed. Contacted at his home, he said that he was leaving politics. "My life's work is finished; no more politics for me. I'm taking down my web site, too. Think I'll quietly live out my days in front of the TV."

And finally, Kim Jung-il of North Korea has promised to free his nation. "Whatever it takes," he said. "Now that I no longer have to waste my days worrying about Israel, I had time to read Atlas Shrugged and suddenly realized what an idiot I've been all these years. Do you think South Koreans would mind if we dismantle the border and join forces in generating capitalist wealth?"

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