TAYSIDE POLICE RETURN DR K’s CAMERA!

The great Dr K, who was 82 last week, received a lovely birthday present. His Olympus Camedia digital camera was returned in a packet along with confiscated leaflets. The Auchterarder police had taken the camera along with 9 anti-war and anti G8 leaflets of which Dr K so disapproves.

Actually to return to normal satire Kissinger was a complete bastard who oversaw the saturation bombing of South East Asia during his time as US Secretary of State under Presidents Nixon and Ford. As many as 6 million people may have died as a result of his actions. Attempts were made to prosecute him for his involvement in the coup, which overthrew the democratically elected Allende government in Chile in 1973 and writer Christopher Hitchens wrote a book called `The Trial of Henry Kissinger` in 2001. Hitchens argues that (1) on at least one occasion, Henry Kissinger conspired to commit murder, and (2) on numerous other occasions, Kissinger was the primary force behind certain acts that could quite plausibly be considered war crimes.

Amazingly Kissinger actually won the Nobel Peace prize in 1973, which led to American commentator Tom Lehrer saying satire was now obsolete.

Still enough of Dr K. Actually I went up to Gleneagles on March 12th to `case the joint` and you can read about my little escapade then on:  http://scotland.indymedia.org/newswire/display/1503/index.php

I took some photos of Auchterarder which is a Perthshire town of around 4,500 souls sometimes like Kirkcaldy called the `Lang Toun`. I then went to the nearby super deluxe Gleneagles hotel and had a café latte in the public bar. While I was there I had my photo taken wearing a Henry Kissinger mask as you can see in the photo attached.

I went to the toilet and for posterity took a picture of it. I tried to imagine the likes of Bush, Blair, and Berlusconi etc sitting or even shitting on this bog. Are the `masters of the universe` as Noam Chomsky calls them like us – do they have bodily functions, which require relieving. In other words do the greedy bastards shit out of their arses as well as their mouths? It’s a fascinating thought and a subject, which I’m sure, would stimulate much intellectual debate. I can just imagine Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight introducing a debate between say Lindsey German and Melanie Phillips as to whether our great leaders go to the bog like everyone else. Melanie would have none of it I’m sure.

I paid £3.75 for my café latte and was on my way out of the hotel when the head of security, an odious little man who reminded of Dr Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi minister of propaganda, confronted me. He `asked` me to come to a side room where to my dismay two cops were there to take me to the local police station for questioning. The head of security kept asking me what I had been doing in the toilet and I found it difficult to think of an intelligent answer. He seemed to think I had deliberately blocked the bog with something sinister – like maybe a time delayed bomb, which would go off in July while the leader of the free world was sitting on it. Wishful thinking!

Just imagine Dubya sitting there after a round of discussion on the next war he has planned and then suddenly being blown 100 feet into the Perthshire sky! Imagine the headlines in the Socialist Worker or Voice `ASSHOLE IN ONE! ` or `FORE! ` I wonder what sad obituaries they would shite oops write about him. What a way to go!


Anyhow on May 27th, the occasion of Dr Kissinger’s 82nd birthday I received a package postmarked `Perth` which contained the 9 confiscated leaflets which included the March 19th `Bring the troops home` march and rally in Glasgow and the schedule for the G8 protests. The cops in particular didn’t seem to like the joke dollar bill, which I also attach – it was in bad taste or something. More importantly they also returned my camera which is worth around £100 and means I can stop buying those one time cameras and having to put the pictures on to CD ROMs. Remarkably enough they didn’t wipe the card, which means I can share those amazing photos with you all. Why not print out a copy of the Gleneagles bog for future generations?

Hopefully I will be able to use the camera in July but of course the question is how close will we get to the Gleneagles Hotel itself. If any of the 200,000 of us wants to relieve ourselves will we be able to use the conveniences at the Gleneagles? We will have to use the holes on the Golf course I suppose – still I’ve been in the Middle East and those squat toilets really aren’t that bad. Think of how we’ll be manuering the greens – all free of charge!

Sir Bob Geldof has called for a million people to come to Edinburgh in July and I don’t see why not. After all, the population of the city doubles each year in Festival time. There isn’t likely to be any violence from the protesters, it is the mass murderers of the G8 themselves who are the real criminals. Yet sadly, instead of being in the dock along with Saddam Hussein they will be staying in £1,500 a night suites. Their bill will run in to tens of millions of pounds and what is it all likely to achieve? More platitudes about debt relief and help for those who need it most. No child need go hungry by the end of the century – as actually Kissinger himself said after his caviar at the world food conference in Rome in 1975. The G8 have had 30 years to help the people of the third world but the only people they are really interested in helping is themselves.

I know the terrible tragedy of world poverty and wars and famines are very grave issues but I defend the use of a little black humour if it helps draw attention to the awful plight of the World’s poor and downtrodden.

See you for coffee and cakes in July and maybe even a round of golf with the chaps! What ho, Jeeves old bean!




13 labelled photos attached










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