The Tayside Chief Constable did not confirm at his recent press conference that they have uncovered a conspiracy by known trouble-making Anarchists from abroad to disguise themselves by wearing kilts and tama shanters in order to sneak into Scotland for the G8 summit.

It's feared special powers could be introduced by the Home Secretary to ban the entry of kilts and Tama shanters during the period around the G8 summit in Gleneagles, Scotland. Such an embargo would be unprecedented since Robert the Bruce was on the rampage, when kilt wearers were banned from entering England, and punished with death.

Quite probably, police have been encouraged by the promising results of the only known current ban on kilts in England. It is at the Pink Parrot and Mermaid Nightclub in Nuneaton, which has outlawed kilts along with supermarket jeans, Burberry baseball caps and Nike trainers. (Consequently GBH in the club has dropped by 5% since the ban was introduced, along with a 75% drop in attendance on Saturday night).

An undercover policeman who attended one of the anarchist organising group’s secret meetings, that had been advertised on known secret web-site and other at other secret venues, identified two known ring leaders called ‘facilitator’ and ‘legal observer’. They instigated a discussion about forming a group called the “Stewards“, which the police now claim is a code word for the Stuarts - a Scottish clan - in whose tartan the police believe they will dress. The undercover policeman observed a heated argument over whether they should also where yellow bibs (probably for further disguise); and some even suggested the word ‘Steward’ should be printed on it (a double bluff of some sort) - this was rejected by the hard core.

Police forward intelligence officers are convinced these will form the core trouble-makers of the notorious Black Bloc - the core of the nefarious hard-core, and intend to give them a good kicking.

The undercover policeman also reported that Stuart Bloc (Steward Bloc - in reality the Black Bloc) do not want Maggie Thatcher's saline drip to be switched off during the protests, they insist that her suffering be prolonged. They claimed everyone would just party and there’d be no rioting. Although they did state it was illegal to kill someone, the police claimed they were just using cynical propaganda to will the argument.

The peaceful protesters present, who the police support and say are welcome in Gleneagles, hoped Maggie would go belly up and turn the whole event into a big party for the demise of the first neo-liberal icon. The forward intelligence group are still analysing this and hope to get advice from someone who reads books about what it means. Their commander said that should only know what they need to know, and they will be forced to fast during the build up to the G8, and in the morning of the day on which the first riot has been planned they will be allowed to sniff a cube of raw red meat for 5 minutes.

In the meantime, police are making approaches to Hilda’s doctors to clarify the situation, and are see what can be done to bring the greatest happiness to the greatest number of people, which is in the keeping with the utilitarian ideals Prime Minister Thatcher espoused, and the peaceful protesters who are welcome in Gleneagles.