Shoreditch, until recently known as an elegant, genteel area where the cream of “new media” rub shoulders with the latest names in the art world at hip and trendy clubs and bars, has fallen under a dark cloud that bodes disaster and mayhem.

The area was devastated by a brutal raid at first light on Sunday morning, when a horde of phantom Vikings, appearing as if from nowhere in the Autumn mist, abandoned a ghost ship near Old St. roundabout. The spectral marauders then proceeded to terrorize the ordinary, decent, clean living townsfolk.

With cries of “Victory or Valhalla”, (in the archaic gibberish that serves them for a language) they jeeringly proclaimed their vile intentions, which included:

-Pillage-
-Plunder-
-Benefit fraud-
-Taking our jobs-
-Jumping the queue for Council accommodation-
-Molesting small puppies-

Local government officials are only beginning to evaluate the wider social effect of such an infiltration, which has already incurred emergency spending cuts in such vital areas as education and healthcare. Police report that crime rates have soared, while piles of uncollected rubbish tower in the streets. And the foreigners are taking all the jobs, too.

“This was becoming such a lovely area,” said a local Sunreader who preferred not to be named. “ Now I’m frankly afraid to walk the streets at night. When I read about them, mugging people and barbecuing swans in the park, I just find it hard to see them as fellow human beings. I mean, why can’t the government just lock them all up? It’s political correctness gone mad, that’s what it is.”

As we spoke, a breakaway gang of the perverted scum rampaged past us up City Rd., pausing only to knock over an old lady – just for 20p out of her handbag. And I saw 2 of them kissing - BOTH MEN!

Nick Shitwit, spokesperson for the British National Party, has seen in these events a real vindication of the Party’s controversial standpoint on immigration, which refuses to rule out global resettlement, forced labour and wholesale extermination by gas.

Elsewhere, Godfrey Anderssen, a world expert in Scandinavian studies, expressed doubts concerning the authenticity of the so called “Vikings”.

“No real Vikings ever went into battle with horns sticking out of their helmets- just imagine how stupid that would be. This looks more to me like a bunch of football hooligans who’ve gone on the razz and knocked over a pantomime shop. I mean, just look at that ship – it doesn’t seem to know whether it’s a dragon ship or a ceremonial funeral barge. The figurehead’s pretty pissy as well. It’s ridiculous.”

Concluding, Mr Anderssen stated that he found the reports “utterly insubstantial.” But he wears a bad wig and when he rattles his false teeth, well it just makes you shudder.