UNITED AGAINST STATES

AS citizens, we have little power to prevent our leaders going to war against Iraq.

We only have the vote, and that only once every four or five years. And the politicians know that most elections are about the economy, not their idiotic foreign adventures.

But we are also consumers, and in the run-up to war a Boycott America campaign has been suggested. These principles could provide some guidance:

- DO not go to the United States as a tourist. Stay at home and see what a much finer country ours is.

- DO not buy or drink American wine, beer or spirits. Give me Tetley's any day.

- DO not eat American food. Stay away from McDonald's and all the other fast-food outlets.

- DO not pay to watch American films. They are full of noise, foul language and violence.

- DO not buy American newspapers or magazines.

- DO not use Americanisms. Instead of "Hi!" let's go back to saying "Good morning." No more "Yeah!" A "yes" will suffice.

- DO not wear American clothes. Throw the baseball cap in the dustbin (not, emphatically not, the trash can).

- DO not fly American airlines anywhere. It's probably safer not to.

- DO not smoke American cigarettes. They are bigger killers than al-Qaeda.

- DO not, above all, believe the lies that will spew out of the Anglo-American spin machine once the conflict gets under way.

- IF we try to live by these simple precepts, perhaps one day the United States will be forced to mend its violent, imperial ways.