URGENT CALL FROM CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN

John Chuckman

On the President's desk in the Oval Office, a phone's red light urgently flashes. It's the signal for an incoming call. Only calls from deep inside the vast command-center redoubt known as Cheyenne Mountain come in on this line. Constructed during the Cold War, this hollowed-out mountain contains a virtual Pentagon satellite-city built to survive a hundred years behind million-ton blast-proof doors.

The president gleefully picks up the receiver. He just loves getting important calls.


"Howdee!"

"Mr. President, this is a secure line, so we may speak freely."

"Dick, you old son of a gun, how's it goin' out there, livin' under the mountain an' all? T'aint getting' to ya none?"

"I'm just fine, Mr. President, don't concern yourself. You know, I spent a lot of time as a congressman with folks who live in abandoned missile silos and mine shafts.

"Anyway, compared to some of those places, this is just damn luxurious. The mountain's totally climate-controlled, and we have an artificial beach under sun lamps on the distilled-water reservoir."

"A goddam climate-controlled mountain! Jeez, Dick, I jus' gotta get on out there one of these days an' see that."

"Good idea, Mr. President, uh, er, of course, once the crisis is over."

"Crisis? Oh, y'all mean that there Osama guy? Don't worry none 'bout him. He ain't goin' nowheres, an', I'll tell ya, the only damn climate-control his damn mountains got is two-thousand pound bombs re-arrangin' the lan'scape…(guffaw, guffaw)"

"No, Mr. President, the crisis I'm talking about is the next election. We have to get you through that looking the part of commander-in-chief."

"Oh, I get your meanin', Dick. Well, I'm a working on that, real hard. Ain't even thinkin' of another month at the ranch. An' I'm doin' jus' what ya said for me to do.

"After dinner, I come back here an' jus' sit by the window for a while, wearin' my glasses, turnin' pages on one them big reports. Once or twice, Laura comes in with a cup of hot cocoa to keep me goin', an' puts her arm on my shoulder jus' like ya showed us.

"Don dropped by on the way home from the Pentagon t'other night an' checked me out. He said I looked good, real presidenshul, in the window. He said the T.V. guys'd be eatin' it up."

"Wonderful to hear, Mr. President. Remember, nothing but liberal scum is going to vote against a seated president in wartime. I'll keep the war going here. You just keep sitting."

"Righto, Dick. Say, how they all feedin' ya down there?"

"I've got to say, Mr. President, the food could be better. It's freeze-dried rations. A lot of my survivalist friends swear by them and eat nothing but. They're okay for a couple of days."

"Dick, y'all want me to have some nice big juicy steaks flown on up from the ranch?"

"No, thank you very much, Mr. President, I'll stick to what the boys in uniform are having. Good mess-hall photos, sets a fine example. Anyway, they went and sealed the blast-proof doors, and it’s a major operation getting them open again. Nothing gets in or out of here with those damn doors sealed.

"Well, you know, Mr. President, (chuckle, chuckle) it does have its advantages. They can't exactly serve any subpoenas for Enron, now can they?"

The President enjoys a hearty laugh.

"Tarnation, that's right, Dick. I almos' forgot about that shit, sittin' here by the window an' all.

"Don't worry none, 'cause I jus' keep tellin' 'em we got ya outta harm's way with all them damn terrorists flyin' 'roun' the country. An' I tol' 'em how all the head guys in them big oil companies never fly on the same plane or even take the same elevator."

"Now, George, I mean Mr. President, you're not saying anything off the script, are you? Especially nothing about a certain company?"

"Oh, shucks, no, Dick, I know better'n that."

"Good, Mr. President, just call Ari to check on any little thing you're thinking of adding. He can always pass it by Don. Mark my words, Mr. President, sticking to the script's going to get us through this."

"Okay, Dick. So what else y'all up to down there, you ol' rascal?"

"The officers have an underground driving range and putting green, Mr. President, so the golf score won't suffer too badly.

"We get satellite feed right from the B-52s, so we're watching the boys give all those damn turban-heads what they deserve. You can freeze the action, do re-plays, or move in for close-ups."

"Anything else, you ol' rascal? I know ya can't stick to serious stuff long."

"Well, Mr. President, we do have a couple of those special channels, if you know what I mean?"

"Shucks, Dick, I know egzac'ly what y'all mean. An' ya ain't got Lynne down there, sniffin' out your trail.

"Mr. President, just between you and me, that is the part that's just like a real vacation."

"I tell ya, Dick, she's havin' the time a her life out here, scowlin' an' spoutin' them goddam librarian pamphlets a hers at anyone that says things is less than hunky-dory!"

" 'Libertarian,' Mr. President, they're 'libertarian pamphlets.' "

"Well, still, don't ya go worrin' none 'bout what she's up to. She's doin' a hell of a job goin' after them no-good fifth wheels!"

" 'Fifth columnists', Mr. President, I think you mean 'fifth columnists.' "

"Shucks, Dick, I think I gotta go. I jus' seen the docs pullin' up out front. I reckon they're a comin' to change the bandage."

"Excellent, Mr. President, that bandage locks-in the sympathy vote. America has already forgotten all about your pretzel caper. Joe Six-pack never thought it was anything unusual anyway. But just the sight of a wounded President in time of war gives us an 80% floor-rating.

"Do you think you could ask them to just put the new one on a little higher up? I noticed it's not showing up on some of the news shots."

"Okay, Dick, what ya figure, 'bout half an inch?."

"That'd be just about right, Mr. President. And try not to spill any more gravy on it. That's a real turn-off for some of the women."

"Gotchya, Dick. Be talkin' to ya soon."

"Thank you, Mr. President."