Entry Requirements:

To join, you must be between the IQ of 18 and 55 with no previous convictions. Prospective officers should be able to baton-charge peaceful protestors for at least 200 yards. Racists, homophobes, misogynists and sadists may be considered at the Chief Constable's discretion. Applications are particularly welcomed from the White Supremacist community.

Specialist Units:

TSG (Thick as Shit Group). You get to drive around London in a big white van with flashing blue lights and kick the shit out of random passers-by. Most often heard to say: "I don't give a flying fuck about the law."

FIT (as in "fit-up"). Ever wanted to get your own back on those leftie-protest types? Then join the Forward Intelligence Unit and get 'em all locked up on totally spurious charges! Most often heard to say: "I'm arresting you under Section 5 of the Public Order Act."

CID (Criminal Incompetance Unit). If taking bribes and arranging hit-men is your thing, then why not become a Detective in the Metropolitan Police? Salary - £500,000 per annum plus as much charlie as you can snort of the bonnet of a riot van. Most often heard to say: "Wanna buy a sawn-off shotgun?"

Police - Putting the Cunt Back into Constabulary.