Let's face it, the Queen is terrifying. The Guardian's columnist Jonathan Freedland found out last month that when you are actually confronted by her, any republican fervour you may hold disintegrates and you end up struck dumb with an "inane smile" plastered across your chops.
The stakes are arguably even higher if you're an arch-royalist, and are at a street party partaking in those golden jubilee shenanigans. Imagine: you're just munching a hotdog, hands caked in ketchup, when there's a blur of Daimler, a flash of brooch, and suddenly Her Majesty is upon you.

To help us navigate the minefield of royal protocol, we sought the views of the wonderfully named Drusilla Beyfus, author of Modern Manners. Ms Beyfus says: "Pictures of so-called real people with the royals always look so strained because people are still very intimidated."

But she stresses that royalty are much more relaxed these days and there's no reason to panic. Ms Deyfus has met the Queen and insists she was very nice and she says that with just a few pointers, you too can avoid ending up in the Tower. So do I have to curtsey, or is that just for women?

Ms Deyfus says: "For men, you should give a short bow from the neck. But don't go too low. You don't want to appear too theatrical." Or look like you're having a laugh.

"Women can curtsey, and most women do. These days some women don't curtsey but that's alright too and won't cause any great offence," Ms Beyfus says. Debrett's website says the correct form of address is "your Majesty" or "Ma'am".

However, it is bad form to offer the sovereign your hand to shake. Ms Beyfus says: "The thing is, she would probably just shake it if you did but it's best not to. It's very unlikely she would, but if she offers you her hand, then you should shake it." Just try to avoid crushing the royal digits.

Ok, you've survived initial contact. With a little bravery you could try and speak. Ms Beyfus says that in the past it would not have been proper to say anything. "These days you are most likely to be 'presented', for example if you are introduced by the organiser of the street party, and then you just bow or curtsey and say what you are going to say," she explains.

"She's very easy to talk to. But you can't talk for long, and can probably only get one thought out before she moves on. Everything is scheduled very exactly as we saw with the Queen mother's cortege arriving at precisely at Westminster Abbey at midday. People would love the Queen to sit down and chat at their street party but she won't do that."

So how do you choose what to say in your nanosecond of opportunity? Ms Beyfus says: "Of course, the subjects you think you should not mention, you probably should not. Should you mention Sophie Wessex's miscarriage? I think not."

But the Queen may do the running for you - she is after all well practised in the art of small talk. Ms Beyfus says she might always hit you with the classic "and what do you do?" question but this is less likely in as casual a context as a street party. Ms Beyfus says: "The Queen is usually very well briefed about the area, so may very well have some informed comment to make."

But What about food? Should you offer her a cucumber sandwich? Should there be a desperate scramble for a gold platter of Ferrero Rocher?

"I'm not sure about that. She's got a pretty good figure. You shouldn't really offer her food, but I think if you were to say 'here's one of our currant buns' or offered her some special jubilee cake, she may have a nibble." The most decorous thing would be to run it past her lady in waiting.

Now we turn to the really tricky stuff - how do you cope with the Duke of Edinburgh? What if he has you in the crosshairs for one of his trademark cheeky comments?

Ms Beyfus says: "I think it's very difficult and there are no real ripostes to those funny remarks. What I would say though is that they rarely seem to be at individuals. The slanty-eyed thing and remarks like that seem to be made as statements."

Also you may bear in mind that Mr Freedland has warned that you have to careful because Prince Philip often takes what you said and throws it back at you like it was the "most gormless thing" that had ever been said. So be careful with any quips about the bunting.

Finally, what about streaking? Is there any way of carrying it off without imperilling good form? "No, I don't think so," Ms Beyfus says.

What to do if the Queen drops by

Your jubilee street party is going swimmingly but suddenly you come face to face with the sovereign herself. Mark Oliver seeks advice on how to behave from etiquette expert Drusilla Beyfus

Monday June 3, 2002


Queen Elizabeth II: do you know whether to bow or curtsey? Photo: PA.

Let's face it, the Queen is terrifying. The Guardian's columnist Jonathan Freedland found out last month that when you are actually confronted by her, any republican fervour you may hold disintegrates and you end up struck dumb with an "inane smile" plastered across your chops.
The stakes are arguably even higher if you're an arch-royalist, and are at a street party partaking in those golden jubilee shenanigans. Imagine: you're just munching a hotdog, hands caked in ketchup, when there's a blur of Daimler, a flash of brooch, and suddenly Her Majesty is upon you.

To help us navigate the minefield of royal protocol, we sought the views of the wonderfully named Drusilla Beyfus, author of Modern Manners. Ms Beyfus says: "Pictures of so-called real people with the royals always look so strained because people are still very intimidated."

But she stresses that royalty are much more relaxed these days and there's no reason to panic. Ms Deyfus has met the Queen and insists she was very nice and she says that with just a few pointers, you too can avoid ending up in the Tower. So do I have to curtsey, or is that just for women?

Ms Deyfus says: "For men, you should give a short bow from the neck. But don't go too low. You don't want to appear too theatrical." Or look like you're having a laugh.

"Women can curtsey, and most women do. These days some women don't curtsey but that's alright too and won't cause any great offence," Ms Beyfus says. Debrett's website says the correct form of address is "your Majesty" or "Ma'am".

However, it is bad form to offer the sovereign your hand to shake. Ms Beyfus says: "The thing is, she would probably just shake it if you did but it's best not to. It's very unlikely she would, but if she offers you her hand, then you should shake it." Just try to avoid crushing the royal digits.

Ok, you've survived initial contact. With a little bravery you could try and speak. Ms Beyfus says that in the past it would not have been proper to say anything. "These days you are most likely to be 'presented', for example if you are introduced by the organiser of the street party, and then you just bow or curtsey and say what you are going to say," she explains.

"She's very easy to talk to. But you can't talk for long, and can probably only get one thought out before she moves on. Everything is scheduled very exactly as we saw with the Queen mother's cortege arriving at precisely at Westminster Abbey at midday. People would love the Queen to sit down and chat at their street party but she won't do that."

So how do you choose what to say in your nanosecond of opportunity? Ms Beyfus says: "Of course, the subjects you think you should not mention, you probably should not. Should you mention Sophie Wessex's miscarriage? I think not."

But the Queen may do the running for you - she is after all well practised in the art of small talk. Ms Beyfus says she might always hit you with the classic "and what do you do?" question but this is less likely in as casual a context as a street party. Ms Beyfus says: "The Queen is usually very well briefed about the area, so may very well have some informed comment to make."

But What about food? Should you offer her a cucumber sandwich? Should there be a desperate scramble for a gold platter of Ferrero Rocher?

"I'm not sure about that. She's got a pretty good figure. You shouldn't really offer her food, but I think if you were to say 'here's one of our currant buns' or offered her some special jubilee cake, she may have a nibble." The most decorous thing would be to run it past her lady in waiting.

Now we turn to the really tricky stuff - how do you cope with the Duke of Edinburgh? What if he has you in the crosshairs for one of his trademark cheeky comments?

Ms Beyfus says: "I think it's very difficult and there are no real ripostes to those funny remarks. What I would say though is that they rarely seem to be at individuals. The slanty-eyed thing and remarks like that seem to be made as statements."

Also you may bear in mind that Mr Freedland has warned that you have to careful because Prince Philip often takes what you said and throws it back at you like it was the "most gormless thing" that had ever been said. So be careful with any quips about the bunting.

Finally, what about streaking? Is there any way of carrying it off without imperilling good form? "No, I don't think so," Ms Beyfus says.