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In a rare interview, conducted via crystal ball, reliable sources from the planet Zircon relayed a message from Frank Zappa today.
The leader of the wacky 60's alternative rock group, widely rumoured to have died in December 1993 from prostate cancer, revealed in this shocking talk that his "demise" was a covert plot devised by the CIA, the Pentagon, the Vatican and Wal-Mart to corner the global dental floss market.
"Montana was just a cover," Zappa said, referring to the overt threat — "going to Montana soon" — in his lyrics on the 1973 album, Over-Nite Sensation.
"While the world was diverted by our take-over of Montana, we were breeding pygmy ponies for the invasion of the Russian Steppes," admitted Zappa. But that never happened.
With the fall of communism, the military-industrial dental floss cabal turned its attention to total domination of the universe. It was no longer safe for Zappa to remain on earth.
For the first time, it can be revealed that Zappa is related to David Icke, who is actually Vice President Dick Cheney and the U.S. administration are actually the original Mothers of Invention, whose sole purpose is to make the world safe for White teeth. "We will kill the evil gingivitis. We'll floss them out of their cavities," Icke /Cheney declared from his secret bunker nearby. "Franky was a loose cannon," the vice-president said. "He even named his daughter after our secret "Moon Unit" operation. . . We were afraid he'd do something stupid, like appearing on stage in his lizard skin, especially after the Dweezil thing put our breeding program at risk."
Zappa referred to some of the prophesies included in the Mothers' early religious tracts, dictated by the Pope. What do you think "make her do a nasty on the White House lawn" meant? Zappa asked impatiently. "Not only did we make Monica Lewinsky "do a nasty," Zappa boasted, "we made it happen inside the White House!"
"Clinton was an easy subject," Zappa boasted. "Our people just put Viagra in his cigars — it was a hole-in-one."
Zircon is the popular name for the home planet anduniversal headquarters of the Central United Mental Services & Hygiene Officers Terminal (CUMSHOT) — known as "Floss Central" — and the main production hub for powerful floss tweezers.
Its location, widely believed to be obscured by one of Earth's own satellites (referred to obliquely in a 1967 Jimi Hendrix song), remains classified.
"Once we've made the world safe from the terror of decay, CUMSHOT will be aimed toward civilian ends," said Sub-Commandante Zappa. "Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay, " he yodeled, as we ended our stunning interview.
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