Q)How the Devil are you?

Fine. Fine and dandy, actually.


Q)Are you living in fear still?

No, I live in a small cottage.

Q)I can’t help notice you have a larger frame than when we met ten years ago. Have you given up on healthy living?

We’ve met before? I don’t know what came first, the laziness or the larger frame but I’m quite comfortable with looking cuddly. D’you want to cuddle me?


Q)No. The Evening Standard said you were “disturbed”. Does that sort of perception bother you?

I think that was meant to be a compliment. It wasn’t? (Thinks for a while.) I’ll kill the bastards!


Q)What turns you on?

Quite a few things, really. Normally it’s intelligent, tall women. But short girls with big tits are okay too.

Q)Big boys don’t cry, true or false?

That’s a stupid question. And you’ve only got a couple left.


Q)O.K. When was the last time you cried and why?

Everytime I get on a plane it seems to be I’m crying normally because I’m running away from something or someone. I have developed a real fear of flying as a result of it. Someone said men should only cry about women or football. I tend to agree, though with football you get a second chance eventually.


Q)I read somewhere that yore ex-wife was a model. A model of what?

Good, clean living. She is also in training for the priesthood if we’re telling lies about her.

Q)Do gentlemen prefer blondes?

See my answer 3 questions back to see what I think of that.

Q)Will you be doing another book/TV show, or is it the quiet suburban life for you now?

I used to pitch this idea called “celebrity shag” to everyone I met in TV land. Now I’ve got another idea that is a bit more realistic. We’ve replaced the celebrity bit with alcohol. It’s gonna be called “Pissed and shagged”. It’s basically a fly on the wall look at fat blokes chasing girls who can’t handle their drink. The material for it is endless.


Q) 10 words to describe yourself.

Weight, watchers, bint, bunt, thrump, dump, please, thank -you, sorry, goodnight.


Fiona Scott.